Possum

roll those rrrrrrr's

2012-02-04T23:59:00.000Z

It really is as simple as that.

One can wax lyrical about the relationship between reaping and sowing or the abundance and kindness of reciprocity but unless you have respect for self you have nothing to give.

The wise ones go on about how one has to give it in order to get it. I really don't think that it should be about the getting of respect. Way too much emphasis is laid at that damned door. The perception is that if one is not getting respect then one must be a lesser mortal...not enough as is. Lives can be altered buying into that shit! I mean think about the hoops one jumps through at times in order to crack the nod. And why? Because we are made to feel we are not enough. One should not NEED to 'get 'if one 'has'. And if one has self respect then one is enough.
And we all have it...we all start out with it totally intact.
Of course if a child is put down, criticised and disparaged all its life then yes... it will WANT it. So here's the thing... prospective parents should make sure their respect for self is nice and strong and self sufficient before they take on the responsibility of having children. I mean how on earth can one teach a child about self respect when one has none?
How will a mother be able to set an example to her daughters about respect if she has none for herself; if she allows the father to abuse her at any level?
And if a father uses fear as a means to gain respect then that poor child will spend its life living in fear and yearning for and trying to get his approval.
Of course once the big bad world is let in on this scenario that poor child will have become so accustomed to the fact that they are not worthy unless they are respected by others. Fuck that I say!! I believe that what we should be teaching our children from the get go is how to preserve one's self respect...how to have more respect for oneself...how to put into perspective the value of respect from others. This should be our religion!! Have faith in your self first and the rest will follow.

It is quite a thing to realise that that big black hole of need in one's life is due to the fact that a lot of the significant others in one's childhood... in my childhood ...my life ...were...are...so lacking in self respect. It's taken me a long time to realise that I have never needed respect from these significant people and if they have made me feel less than enough then shame on them...shame on them for the little girl that once was. But the good thing is the little girl is a big girl now and she can see these things.
The irony is that the less one feels the need for it the more one will just get it. You think about the people you really respect; if they are anything like the ones in my life then they will be folk who are resoundingly secure in their own skin, in their respect for self. They will also be resoundingly few and far between!!
Of course we all have our little quirks of insecurity if we scratch beneath the surface but those will be the ebbs and flows of life, the occasional bumps like turbulence in our flight. They will not be life defining if we have that solid base of self respect.

'Whatever you have forgotten, you can remember. Whatever you have buried you can unearth. If you are willing to look deep in your own nature, if you are willing to peel away the layers of not-self you have adopted in making your way through the tribulations of life, you will find that your true self is not as far removed as you think.'

-Meredith Jordan

the quintessential quote

2012-01-10T09:34:00.000Z

This quote was included in a recent newsletter from the passion of my previous life... the theatrical world; and we all know how much I love quotes so I'm thinking two birds one stone!

“If you cannot understand my argument, and declare "It's Greek to me", you are quoting Shakespeare;

if you claim to be more sinned against than sinning,

you are quoting Shakespeare;

if you recall your salad days,
you are quoting Shakespeare;

if you act more in sorrow than in anger;

if your wish is farther to the thought;

if your lost property has vanished into thin air,

you are quoting Shakespeare;

if you have ever refused to budge an inch or suffered from green-eyed jealousy, if you have played fast and loose,

if you have been tongue-tied, a tower of strength, hoodwinked or in a pickle, if you have knitted your brows, made a virtue of necessity, insisted on fair play,
slept not one wink, stood on ceremony,

danced attendance (on your lord and master),

laughed yourself into stitches, had short shrift, cold comfort or too much of a good thing, if you have seen better days or lived in a fool's paradise -why, be that as it may, the more fool you, for it is a foregone conclusion that you are (as good luck would have it) quoting Shakespeare; if you think it is early days
and clear out bag and baggage,

if you think it is high time and that that is the long and short of it, if you believe that the game is up and that truth will out even if it involves your own flesh and blood,

if you lie low till the crack of doom because you suspect foul play, if you have your teeth set on edge (at one fell swoop) without rhyme or reason, then - to give the devil his due - if the truth were known

(for surely you have a tongue in your head)
you are quoting Shakespeare;

even if you bid me good riddance and send me packing,

if you wish I was dead as a door-nail, if you think I am an eyesore, a laughing stock, the devil incarnate, a stony-hearted villain, bloody-minded or a blinking idiot, then - by Jove! O Lord! Tut tut! For goodness' sake!

What the dickens! But me no buts! - it is all one to me, for you are quoting Shakespeare.”

― Bernard Levin

If you think about it this could be a great script to tuck away into one's repertoire ... you know...for those occasions when one needs to whip out a soliloquy!

P's in a Pod

2012-01-09T00:54:00.000Z

dear mother of god I am the personification of procrastination and apathy. one would think that with all the time on my hands of late i'd have whipped this alphabet thing by its balls and slid into the new year done and dusted and ready for the next challenge. hah! whilst the rest of the world get their a's into g for the 2012 a to z i'm pondering peas pee's and the letter p.
(as an aside i have to say that the only things i truly organise so far in advance are air bookings so i'm not feeling too guilty about almost being lapped by the new alphabet team. and besides, i absolutely cannot ~~face doing it again~~ do it this april as my tickets were booked months ago for my trip to tuscany. yeeeha!!!!)

Nothing like having to pause my penmanship because of a surprise visit from my dearest pals. I feel positively energised!!
So now where was I....apart from laboriously leading up to the point I was going to make.

P for Present.

No...not the gift wrapped variety although what it represents IS a gift.

Time...being present in the moment. Savouring the time as it occurs. And of course being there for your loved ones, for yourself...offering up your presence.

I've rediscovered the fact that I absolutely do not flourish when I have time on my hands. My pre~christmas hospitalisation laid me low and precluded me from being able to partake in my normal pastimes. I didn't even bother with festivities. That didn't hassle me at all really. It was the inactivity. And of course that led to an overactive mulling of past issues...future issues... as opposed to using the time productively and ...for example...polishing up my pathetic grasp of the Portuguese language, tidying up my cupboards, clearing clutter...any-damned-thing!

stunning artwork by Amanda Cass

How often do we worry about things that have yet to come or beat ourselves up for mistakes that we’ve made, no matter how much time has passed? The answer is too much. Not only will living in the present have a dramatic effect on our emotional well-being, but it can also impact our physical health. It’s a known fact that the amount of mental stress we carry can have a detrimental affect on our health. (hah!..my stitches come out on wednesday!) We know this yet still we mull instead of being mindful.

Practicing mindfulness (isn’t that a beautiful word!) means we practice awareness in all our actions. Whether we are washing dishes or tying our shoe laces, our mind is focused on whatever we are doing. We are not thinking about the bills that we have to pay, or the phone call we need to make. We are simply living in the moment; minding our own business. And of course there is nothing simple about it except it is a simple choice that we either do this or we don't.

The thought that resonates with me is that if we are living in the present, we are living in acceptance. We are accepting life as it is now, not as how we wish it would or could have been. When we’re living in acceptance we realize everything is just as it is. If we live in the past we can’t do anything about it, it’s gone. If we worry about the future we’re living somewhere that’s just a concept...that doesn’t exist as it hasn’t happened yet. And probably wont! That does not mean that we do the capitulation shoulder shrug or the denial pony tail flick when the shit hits the fan. If we really believe our life sucks and we want to change it, the only place we can do it is in the present. But first we need to accept life as it is. Like a benchmark.

Each time you mindfully let go of thoughts about how life should be, or how life was, let go of the ifs buts and maybes and what ifs and woe is me's and enjoy life as it is, you change your brain. I become very calm when I do this. And the more you do this the more you strengthen that choice 'muscle' making the habit of mindfulness easier and easier. In essence, in every moment there is a choice. But of course if you are like me you forget to do this when you have enough time on your hands to chew through your elbows! If you are like me in no time at all you feel pitiful and pathetic. In essence you give up your personal power. How's them two p's!! But I know - absolutely - that by just pausing and focusing on, for example, taking a deep breath, or on each footstep while taking a walk, savouring the taste of a bite of food, I will get to not only live those few moments to the fullest, but slowly get back into the habit of being mindful.

When it comes down to it our mind is the only thing keeping us from living in the present.

Does that mean that we mustn't think about the past or the future? In a word, hell no. Not possible. Logic tells us that we generally plan for the future based on past actions. However by being mindful, by living skillfully in the present, we will be doing well what we have to do now, even if that means that what we are doing now is looking back to plan for the future. Yes I know, slightly convoluted pondering.

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” – Buddha

a sweet pea...my birth flower

O, Oh, Owe

2011-12-07T02:42:00.000Z

I have some more Obscure words. This time they are Obsessions:

Oenomania ~ obsession or craze for wine

Oniomania ~ mania for making purchases

Hmm...methinks we could kill two birds with one stone there. Oh and this one is obsolete (take a deep breath and repeat as quick as you can):

Omphaloskepsis om-fe-lo-skep'sis, n

(Greek, from omphalos navel and skepsis query, doubt)

Navel-gazing.

This extraordinarily rare word is not normally used literally, but instead to refer to the sort of introspective self-analysis all too common in academia and pop psychology. A favourite pastime of postmodern philosophers, especially when used facetiously to refer to the habit of mentally considering everything while ignoring the real world.

"I'm never overwhelmed or under it either; just nicely whelmed.

I'm OK.

Nothing spectacular but sometimes special.

I look in the mirror and see this medium average person.

A little tired, a little sad, but not falling apart."

- Cecelia Ahern, Thanks for the Memories

I have also come to understand the importance of having Options. They allow one to feel less wrought, less whelmed (I'm borrowing that word for ever!) I also absolutely love the colour Orange as an accent but never combined with chocolate as a flavour.

Thank you all for the kindness and support...means more than you can imagine

xxx

negative would have been positive...

2011-11-30T23:35:00.002Z

“That’s the great paradox of living on this earth, that in the midst of great pain you can have great joy as well. If we didn’t have those things we’d just be numb.”

Kathy Mattea

Today didn't work out the way I'd hoped it would...the way I really thought it was going to.

My 'N' was going to be for negative but it turned out positive so all I have is numb.

Sigh...

Mmm... thanks

2011-11-29T21:07:00.000Z

"Mammograms are really sort of a gift. You can either catch something early or count your lucky stars because nothing was discovered. Either way, you're ahead of the game." Charlotte Ross

The recent celebrations involving thousands of turkeys led me to ask Uncle Google what the origins of this holiday were. He told me that it all started when a group of Pilgrims left Plymouth, England, on September 6, 1620. Their destination? The New World. Although filled with uncertainty and peril, it offered both civil and religious liberty.

For over two months, the 102 passengers braved the harsh elements of a vast storm- tossed sea. Finally, in late November, with firm purpose and a reliance on Divine Providence, the cry of “Land!” was heard.

This little Pilgrim has also had a journey of sorts. It all started in March when I was back in Cape Town taking advantage of vast supplies of wondrous Chardonnay my remaining health insurance and proximity to my Doctors, amongst other things! The year before when I’d been there getting my residence visa’s for Portugal sorted out I’d done the same thing and also decided that it was time to put on my big girl panties and have a colonoscopy as well as the rest of the usual check-ups. That was a joy as no sooner had I gotten those big girl panties back on I was in surgery having a chunk of my colon chopped out. Suffice to say that experience had left me feeling a tad vulnerable. Anyway on this trip back it was time for the Girls to be checked again.

No it’s not a comfortable procedure but its quick and really should be compulsory. The crap part is the size of the cubicle that they sit you down in to await your fate. And wait I did. Eventually I realized there was something amiss which was confirmed 2 hours later after 5 scans of the left gal and the need for a few new magazines to read. And still there was debate about who was seeing what where. If you spend longer than necessary in these types of places you see lots of very sick people and start alternating between counting your lucky stars and shitting yourself.

Eventually I was taken through for an ultrasound and I don’t know what I remember being worse...the dude sticking his elbow right into the colon op scar or him saying they needed to get hold of a breast surgeon.

You know we can sit and postulate all we like about what we will or wont do in this or that situation but here’s the thing...in times like these you hit the wall of your own truth so hard that there is no option...you have to have an opinion and a plan. Okay first you have a panic. I was flying out 2 days later and in the midst of trying to keep a lid on my hysteria it hit me that I wasn’t just going overseas...I was going home.

It was in that moment that I knew it was time to test out the medical system here on the island even though it, like the New World all those years ago was also filled with uncertainty, but hopefully not peril. I got the blessing from the woman who has been my Gynecologist forEVER and in a flash my entire medical history and all my scans were loaded onto a CD and I was good to go. One HAS to be thankful for the ease at which shit like that happens these days; at how small it makes the world and how international a language digitizing has become.

And I could not have asked for kinder care once I got back here. Slow...because we all bob along in the sea of the public health system so one does have to do a certain amount of waiting. One must therefore give thanks for the fact that one has a kindle! But they were thorough. All of the tests I’d had done in Cape Town they did again. They took 5 biopsies and could have waved me on my way saying all was well but no, they went the extra mile and booked me in for surgery to get an absolutely certain result. It is SO weird being so completely foreign in a hospital. The other 2 gals in the ward with me spoke no english so I really had no idea what they were having done. All I knew was that I was second in line for theatre. The younger one went in first and four hours later it was my turn so I knew it must have been major. And it was. Because her mother had died of breast cancer she was booked in for a mastectomy when her mammogram showed an inflammation - not cancer mind you, just an inflammation! So young!! Clearly these dudes don't take any chances!

And yes I’ve had problems with my scar and the stitches and the whole wound healing shit but this little Pilgrim is nothing but grateful for the fact that thus far she is intact.

And at last...finally, late this November, tomorrow in fact, with firm purpose and a reliance on Divine Providence, I am hoping for the cry of “Negative!” when I have - hopefully - my final appointment.

...we interrupt this long and winding alphabet

2011-11-23T13:01:00.000Z

...to wish y'all a Happy Thanks Giving

Artwork from Story People by Brian Andreas

'ell 'ath no fury...

2011-11-19T15:59:00.000Z

...ergo there shall be no angst whilst we ponder the letter L!

Of course the first word that springs to mind is Love. She is closely followed by Life and Laughter. And did you know that there are a whole legion of Lost words? I've read that there are rare words, and the there are even rarer words, but only a very special word qualifies as a bona fide lost word. And by lost it is meant never used on the internet. There is now a whole website dedicated to them ...hmmm... I guess those that were once lost are now found.
A few years ago I received a list of words that Collins (I think) were proposing to have removed from the next print of their dictionaries. Evidently they felt there were now too many words in the English language so the lesser or never used ones were lined up for deletion to make way for newer ones. There was a mad panic amongst writers to use these endangered words as often as they could before print date to try and save them from extinction. I must look for that list as they were truly worthy words...much worthier than the likes of 'unfriend'…’meh’.
I don't know about you but I can get lost in lists of rare words...one finds words like Lairwite ~ a fine given to a married woman for adultery; evidently paid by her father! That alone might cause some to take pause and reconsider their morals! And what about Logogogue ~ one who issues laws or rules regarding words... not unlike the head honcho of Collin's but I guess CEO looks better than Logogogue behind one's name! And did you know that a Lambdoid means shapes like the letter Lambda (^) or "L"?

Anyway, in an effort to keep it Light and Limpid and not get too Largiloquent, my focus for this letter of my alphabet will be

Lavender

It's colour, aroma and simplicity strike such a chord in me not unlike this picture. Suffice to say I have a Lot of it growing in my garden.

The last time I was in Cape Town I drove far and wide hunting down a pink flowered variety to go with my treasured white one. And don't raise those eyebrows...it was only one little plant! The year before I transported...oh all right...smuggled...my curry tree, root cuttings from my precious rose bushes, the aforementioned white lavender plant along with a pink one and a yellow one...the last two subsequently died hence my quest.
I really do think we are getting off topic here people!!
Besides when I found a pink one, at a ridiculous price I might add, I was very thorough about washing off all the soil from the roots as its that that seems to bug the plant police. I guess they've had the Last Laugh as when it bloomed this summer it wasn't really that erm..Pink... not like the picture on the label. I Know...Lesson Learned...from now on I will just smuggle seeds in - although I'm pretty sure if they are hermetically sealed then it can't be deemed a smuggle! And no, there is no such a thing as a garden centre on this little island so to be fair (to me of course!) I have been forced into these bad habits!

I have a small plot of land that has lain fallow for all time and my plan is to slowly but surely grow enough of my beloved herb to replace the untold volumes of weeds that have found refuge there...imagine that!

Oooo...K (particle too)

2011-11-11T23:48:00.000Z

Okay so my pinky promise 'tomorrow' has turned into a 'today' well over a week later…so be it.

Anyway… today is the day and its an auspicious day with its three elevens.

Now where was I?

Oh yes, turning towards the looking glass…hmmm.

There is nothing more important than the relationship we have with ourselves.

We know this …don’t we? We are not stupid…are we?

Yet we have it drummed into us that we need to put others’ needs before our own; be kind to others first; that any attention to self is selfish. And then to compound the whole thing we spend even more time beating ourselves up…how clever is that? How UNkind is that?

We all know what that delicious moment between sleeping and waking feels like…before life comes rushing at us.

So why does that feeling only last for a moment?

I think it’s because every morning when we wake up, before we have a conscious thought, we immediately log on to mypersonalsoundtrack dot com which tells us we are ‘too’ this or ‘too’ that and all our negative energy of anxiety, insecurity, anger and resentment comes rushing in. It’s like we have a drop down list in our head that tells us we are ‘too’ something, or not enough something else; less than, more than, early for, late for. And then of course we have all the ‘shoulda-coulda-woulda’ sound effects to jolly things up even more. Of course we wash that all down with a cup of guilt sugared with remorse and regret and THEN we get up, get dressed and go out into the world – the world whose needs we’ve been told we need to think of before our own. And it tells us even more versions of what we do or don’t lack! And then the Universe whispers in our ear that nirvana will be attained if we just let go of who we or others think we are supposed to be and be who we really are.

Shit…sit still for a moment world!

That concept, that idea of being who we really are, that got me asking myself… who are you Possum?

One person could see you as a genius who is wise and knows how to solve problems but another could see that same you-ness as being a know-it-all; being an inspiration to one could be another’s bossy and manipulative.

And of course all we remember, all we focus on, are the negative aspects of this spectrum, the criticized versions of who we are. Right? This sometimes has us jumping through hoops or behaving like chameleons in order to ‘belong’…to fit in.

But … if you sit still and think … just think about it… we might be too something for some people and not enough for others so in fact we just are… we are not ‘too’ anything… we are Worthy. And the kindest thing we can do for ourselves is consciously focus on that worthiness, on feeling comfortable in our own skin; accepting that no matter what you do belong.

We need to worry less about what people think or say and more about how we feel. Just mind our own business and ask ourselves every morning when we wake up: What do I need to take care of myself today. I am pretty sure that if we change that inner soundtrack...change that negative default setting in our brain...we could go a long way to extending that morning deliciosity.(my own word)

If you want to be kind to others start with self. It is the only way.

Oh....K (part won)

2011-11-03T11:09:00.000Z

ManKIND is generally no such thing. Kind, that is.

I started pondering this topic a few weeks ago and kept hitting my head up against a negative brick wall. I KNEW that I wanted my K word to be about KINDness but all I could focus on was UNkindness. Do you find yourself doing that or is it just me?

Or was it just me and what was happening those few weeks ago?

You see what happened was I got a surprise visit from my ex’s mother. Not a biggie you might think but I live on an island and in order to get to it considerable effort needs to be made. So one has to take a moment and ponder what the Universe was up to when she conspired to cross our paths.

The ex's Mother now lives in the UK and works for an agency that does “caring” work - looking after old people in their homes – but the gig that had her sailing into town, literally, was looking after some wingnut who was being sent on her annual cruise and needed minding rather than caring.

So you can imagine the rise of my eyebrows when I got the text asking me if I was going to be around then and if I was able to see her.

I must say in terms of being kind, she has been nothing but.

And yes, I could have said no. But I felt it was important to acknowledge the effort the Mother was making and her moxie, cos if you think about it there is a big difference in keeping in touch with me via text message and birthday or Christmas cards, to having me arrive to collect you from a cruise ship and bring you to the family house for a visit with my parents and I! I don’t know if I would have the balls to do that if I had a son who had treated his partner as UNkindly as hers has treated me and risk the wrath of the family.

But it was lovely seeing her and so nice that she was able to see where and what my new life is like, and lovely that she was able to see my parents again even though the whole time she was here there was a huge big stinking elephant in the middle of the room, so to speak! Just before I had to get her back to the ship I brought out a large package of all of the Dorkus’s precious stuff and asked if she were able to take it as I didn’t feel comfortable throwing it all away.

(Yes, his shit from our life together in South Africa is still in our basement garage in storage where it has been since we moved over here!)

Talk about hitting the elephant with a stick!!

She got very tearful and felt the need to apologise to me for how her son had treated me. It transpires that the Dorkus is now married to some poor unsuspecting slag with 5 children from who knows how many previous marriages and they live in a one horse town in the middle of butt fuck nowhere in the Texas Panhandle. Oh, that’s right…5 children, 1 grandchild and (drum roll please…) an American citizenship. Although I really don’t think that the old trick of marrying an American to be "in status" works these post 9/11 days…however this news really did allow a lot of pieces to fall into place…finally! Ironically the Dorkus' Father, the Mother’s now ex husband, treated her equally UNkindly after over 45 years of marriage – took off with all her money and some trailerpark-ish slag.

I was surprised how upset I was by all of this, but not for the obvious reasons. Not because there is now some other female sleeping in what was my bed with what was my man…dear god…she is welcome to that part of him with bells and whistles.

No, it was the careful planning and conniving that had gone into making this all happen. Making it all look like he was the victim and I was the big bad wolf in the story. It was the very VERY conscious choice to be UNkind to me…not just in general…but to me. THAT is what hurt.

“A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.” ~

Dave Barry, "Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn"

When I read that quote I realized this was something that I had always known but chosen to ignore. His Mother even alluded to his streak of cruelty, how like his father he was behind his seemingly innocuous and kindly manner and this made her fearful for his sake. What I also realized was that for all this time that I have been getting on with my own life – laughing and doing and being and outwardly fine because the tears have stopped – the truth was there was still a huge amount of shit to deal with; still a whole heap of emotional cracks that I had just slapped a coat of paint over that actually still needed filling. Bugger!!

This also coincided with a gal here on the island, a so called friend, taking a big blunt knife and for absolutely no reason at all other then her own “issues”, sticking it into my back. So of course I made it all about me didn’t I?? I didn’t slip or fall, I JUMPED right back into that black hole of self justification, oh woe is me and how dare they, how could they; a veritable victim fuzz ball cocktail!

And all of this transpired when I was pondering KINDness! A big fat dilemma right? I just wanted to grab hold of it by the balls and shake it til it screamed!

But I didn’t. I stepped out onto my terrace one night when the bloody neighbours dogs were barking and keeping me awake; and realized why…it was full moon time. It was also time to call in the big guns; to practice what I have so often preached to my nearest and dearest; time to ask my Angels for help. But not just generalized help…very specific help. I asked them to get their asses right over to me and help me get right over this shit and let go of the sadness, the feelings of failure, the anger, the darkness. And I didn’t just want one of them here, I wanted the whole bloody “A” team!!

I really thought I had done this before but clearly I had not done it with intent because trust me, not a day has gone by since then that I have not received some or other validation that my Angels heard me and showed up. Silly little things like clicking on a website or blog and getting goose bumps because I just know that I have been pointed to whatever words I am reading, or whatever vimeo I click on either by mistake or on purpose, or even as far as when window shopping on Amazon for books to buy and the list of books that come up that “others” have bought that Amazon think I might like. Blow your mind away books that I DID buy and am busy reading!! Even as we speak I know that there is more, that there will be more. And the recurring theme of the direction in which they have been pointing me is fear and forgiveness. Dealing with those two, in essence, is how I can be the kindest of all to myself. It is actually none of my business why the Dorkus chose to be so UNkind to me: my business is why I allowed it to happen to other people when I was with him – like the way he treated his ex wife, the way he treated his staff...

the way he spoke to the waiter!

In fact my only business in having allowed him to treat me the way he did when I was stuck out there in the middle of butt fuck nowhere in the Texas panhandle is not why I allowed it but how and what I am doing to move forward from that ever happening again and if there is a why…why am I not celebrating my freedom! Celebrating my me-ness

I have consciously resisted this whole forgiveness shit but I now realize that it is the path that I have to go down.

Okay change the wordage…not down…along…up…whatever J

It will most certainly not happen just because I say the words…it will happen because I feel them. And I must say there’s a whole lot of excitement I feel waking up every morning and consciously deciding that I will try to be kind in word, action and thought but let me tell you, it takes a LOT of intent and conscious effort.

But wait…there will be more…tomorrow!

Pinky promise people!

it just has to be said....Job well done!

2011-10-06T01:50:00.002+01:00

Steve Jobs

1955 - 2011

A visionary and creative genius

An amazing human being.

Hambe Gashle Makulu

"Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become.
Everything else is secondary." SJ

Jay walking into the light

2011-10-05T01:39:00.000+01:00

I was strolling through words the other day...the ones we say on a regular basis, the ones that seem to pop into whatever we read or hear that then become part of who we are; ones that we sometimes stop and think and wonder.. "when the hell did that come into my vocabulary?". A word that I have long used but not used in a long time is jocular. It is such a jolly word; so apt. And also a J

That of course led me into another maze of 'J' words and I was astounded... okay not astounded as that’s a bit naive...lets just say I had en eyebrow-raising moment when I found a whole list of words with the same meaning:

jocularity jocundity jocoseness jolliness joviality

All of the above are nouns whose definition is:

‘gaiety’

And in that same list of words was another that resonated...

joie de vivre

loosely translated from the french as:

the joy of living

also a noun...one that feels very nice to say. Come now...say it with me...

zhwaduh vee-vruh

Isn’t that just a fabulous concept? Isn’t that what our energies should be spent on?

Sarah Ban Brethnach puts it so well: “when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that's present--love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature, and personal pursuits that bring us pleasure--the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience heaven on earth."

Yes I know, all too often life gets in the way and punches us in the throat and the whole heaven on earth bit might be a tad over the top. But I do believe that through thick and thin we can at least try to recognize and honour those bits of our lives that bring us joy. Its much like eating a plate of food, yes? How often do you cook a meal thinking of everything but the actual ingredients or process of preparation. You slap the food on a plate only to have the recipient maybe slurp it down whilst sat in front of the tv? Okay maybe a tad extreme....maybe not. What a difference it makes to consciously take notice of each and every element of that food preparation, each and every ingredient, texture and flavour and then have the recipients hit the pause button, sit down at a prepared table and en~JOY the meal.

I believe that one or two little moments of Joy in ones day will go a long way to diluting the sometimes unbearable pain we call life. I also believe that to get to this place requires a conscious decision...a choice.

Don’t get me wrong..I have not come about this because my life is all shiny bobbing little ponytails and pockets of joy (and please don’t ask me what that all means; I have never used those words like that in one sentence...but it kind of conjurs up a picture that feels irritatingly slappable!) No, I’ve come about this feeling from a particularly painful place, a place very much like that wasteland full of illusions.

I know there are days filled with overwhelm...I’m not discounting that and I’m not saying that those days don’t have their rightful place in our journey. But when we discount the joy, when we take it for granted, if we don't acknowledge it or worse still, if we don’t feel deserving or worthy of it, then sometimes all one needs is a good old jolt of pain to shake things up...shake loose the knife from between one’s shoulder blades and the other one lodged between one’s ribs.

I had one of those jolts last week. Luckily for me I was thrown into a cold shower of common sense along with some clarifying and caring words from near and far. Left to cogitate on this for a bit brought me to my conclusion that I ..you...we...have a clear cut choice...to either savour each joyful moment in the moment; envelope myself...yourself...ourselves in them like a soft terry towel ...or not.

I choose the moment!

Joie de Vivre

oil on canvas by leslie taylor

me, myself and I

2011-09-25T17:27:00.001+01:00

I had such good intentions to post regularly; if not daily at least weekly and now evidently I am unable to even squeak one out monthly. A post that is.

Not even making a finger to font commitment to get through a simple alphabet has borne much fruit.

Sigh

But… forge on I will…. make excuses for life getting in the way I wont.

And that is where we are in this 26 step program…

the letter I...

I guess I could wax lyrical about Integrity, or it’s lack thereof, or bemoan the abundance of Ignorance. I could even talk about how old wounds surrounding Infidelity have been slashed open with a fleeting visit to the island from Dorkus’s (my ex) mother; but maybe I will leave that for another day when I am feeling less ragged around the edges.
Interestingly when I found myself staring at the blank screen with the letter "i" staring back at me, it occurred to me how that little letter has become an institution all on it’s own.

Not only do we have the iMac, the iPad, the iPhone and the iPod there are all of their derivatives. And when I say ‘we’ I don’t mean ‘I’. Okay to be fair I do have an iMac so of course iLust after an iPad but I’ve not joined the Pod or Phone iLists. I know once I do the whole world of apps will open up to me and I will be lost.
Just last night friends were over for dinner and were playing phone-phone. They had us all in stitches with the talking cat and tweeting bird apps. I have no idea what they are called but believe me if you can tickle the tummy of a cat on the screen of your phone and have it smile and purr you will never be alone or without a smile on your face.

iDigress.

So back to those aforementioned iDerivatives which take their inspiration from various Apple products and are making huge in roads into the urban dictionaries; words like:
iHand - When a person uses their iPhone so much it becomes a part of their body.
iKnob - Anyone on god's green earth who owns an Ipod and brags about it.
iLick - The act of licking ones finger before flicking the page on any touch screen.
iGuitar - Similar to an air guitar but with an iPod in one hand, headphones in, the other hand moving like playing a guitar. Because nobody else can hear the music, they look a bit more than stupid.
Surely that person would qualify as an iKnob as well wouldn’t they?
iLord - One who is all Macintosh all the time; a Mac fiend. He has everything Mac has put out in the last ten years. (This would be my brother; no contest!)
iLone - When you find yourself among other people glued to their iPhones, while you are still part of the dying race of people that uses a phone to call. (This would be me.)
iPhone effect - shortly after one person in the group brings out their iphone, the rest follow suit, ultimately ending all conversation and eye contact.

"Hey, what do you want to order for drinks?"

"Not sure, let's see what Imbibe Magazine has for their best beer this month."

First iphone comes out of the pocket--enter safari search.

Next iphone comes out--enter Facebook post.

Third iphone makes an entrance -- the iphone effect has arrived.

iPhoney - A cell phone which copies the look and features of an iPhone.
iPeeper - a person who looks at someone's iPod screen to see what it is they are listening to.
iShattered - what happens to the glass screen when you drop your iPhone or iPad

And these definitions are very clever...
iVodka - The mixture of apple juice (of any kind) mixed with vodka (of any kind) or
iPerbole - The hype surrounding any product Apple unveils.

I just love the ones that have no connection to anything fruity or Mac but use the same construction like:
iGuess - Not knowing what the hell is going on...
iMail - "Idiot Mail" or the endless amount of ridiculous and inane email one receives from idiots all day long, especially at work or in a corporate context.
And of course, as with 'idiot' the whole word ‘inappropriate’ can also been shortened to an i and added on to whatever it might be describing...like an iComment or iDriving or iDancing or to a person e.g iDave - one who has no social skills or generally doesn’t seem to be able to say or do anything right.

The iOptions are endless...see... you can just make them up as you go along!

I must say I was mortified to find a whole genre of urban definitions using Ikea as its inspiration!

"Shit! I got Ikea'd"

- when you open something that unexpectedly needs to be assembled...or...

The 5 screws left over from putting that armoire together are a sure sign of an impending Ikeatastrophe

One could go on and on but one wont... one will end off with another little iWord....

This has been identified as the biggest little word in the english language.

If can do many things.

It can stop a contract from going through. It can stop a marriage.

It can step in and change one’s life dramatically. All those what ifs.

If can change you point of view, perspective and interest all at once.

If can stop love.

Thanks to the Urban Dictionary for the definitions

Sunday 160...even so

2011-07-31T23:56:00.002+01:00

And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so?
I did
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on this earth

Raymond Carver

"The Beloved"

Dante Gabriel Rossetti

Monkey Man hosts the 160 Character Challenge

H is a shape too

2011-07-09T01:35:00.000+01:00

I love Hearts.

They make me smile; feel Happy, Humble, Hopeful.

They make me feel calm on the inside; balanced.

People who know me well know this.

People who don't know me well soon learn this.

This ancient Heart was spotted whilst visiting the islands' palace gardens.

My favourite cheese board
Made with love...wood from the knysna forest in South Africa

metal Hearts with love birds

metal Hearts hanging on a Church pew at a friend's wedding

metal wire pebble filled Heart hanging in the garden

circular Hearts

slatted Hearts

a mosaic Heart

a precious gift that graces my bathroom

I love how Hearts can even be found in Nature

"Your body is free but your heart is in prison.

To release your heart, you simply reverse the process which locked it up.

First you begin to listen to messages from your heart - messages you may have been ignoring since childhood.

Next you must take the daring, risky step of expressing your heart in the outside world...

As you learn to live by Heart, every choice you make will become another way of telling your story...

It is the way you were meant to exist.

If you stop to listen, you'll realize that your heart has been telling you so all along."

from Finding your own North Star

Martha Beck

Empathy, Forgiveness and Gratitude ...then you can eat, pray and love!

2011-06-30T23:56:00.002+01:00

You can’t touch it but it affects how you feel.

You can’t see it, but its there when you look in the mirror.

You can’t hear it but it’s there every time you talk about your self.

What is this important yet mysterious thing?

es·teem: to regard highly; with respect or admiration; a favorable opinion or judgment.

There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that when it came to this letter of my alphabet it was going to be this word. But it soon became apparent that I was choking on it.

(Shit...at this rate if I’ll be lucky if I get to Z by Christmas!!)
But finally...FINALLY...the Universe stepped in - as she always does when you ask her to...when you sit quietly and percolate your thoughts...mentally meander...when you listen and when you pay attention!! And I did.

Best you get comfortable.

Why is it that we always hold others in higher esteem than we hold ourselves? And why is it that this beautiful word is so often associated with pain and doubt and negativity?

Psychologists say that almost every aspect of our lives - our personal happiness, success, relationships, creativity, dependencies, actions, reactions, economic status, apathy, criminal behavior, harmful and defensive behaviors, etc - all of this revolves around one core characteristic: our precious self-esteem.

And I agree!

In the deepest part of ourselves we carry an image of who we are as a person and how worthy we feel in relation to others. Compare it to an oil painting; one that has layer upon layer of paint. Layers of colors; of light and shade. Layers that have been applied since our birth. Each time some one says or does something to us another layer goes on. All of this starts at a young vulnerable impressionable age and we just continue adding layer upon layer to our canvas. Other people’s paintings are always prettier and more colorful aren’t they? The grass is always greener on the other side. Like I said, more often than not we undervalue and devalue ourselves. Consistently and constantly. I know I have.

“If you put a small value on yourself,

rest assured that the world will not raise your price.”

~Unknown Author

I LOVE the way a child can be wherever he or she is and let it all hang out and not give a shit! This epitomizes the true essence of living in the moment; of being oneself. Nothing is holding them back from being who they are meant to be.
I DESPISE how that joie de vivre can be squashed flat with cruelty. A single word, a thoughtless gesture or worse, nothing at all, can cut one to ones core.
And think how we all shrug our shoulders at the innocence of childhood and think/say/wish ..”yeah, but you just wait til life arrives and shows you its not all fun and games” (or something to that effect).
BULLSHIT!!
PEOPLE arrive!
Children do not have the emotional vocabulary to process the messages they get from screwed up adults.
And why are we screwed up?
Either someone says or does something to the child that makes him think that he is wrong and the other person MUST be right. Must be right because they are parents, teachers, friends …or significant others.
Or someone says or does something innocently and this is misinterpreted by the child.
Worse still, a person is not present in that child’s life; or they are but don’t show up!

Regardless of what it might have been the child comes to the same conclusion...there is something wrong with them...with me.

From that point onward they start to scan the world for these things; this is now the filter they pass information through; the tinted glasses through which they process or look at the world and doing this they will always find what they are looking for to justify their new self image, the world will tell them they are flawed in some significant way and Voila! a new self fulfilling prophecy is born. Our belief system absorbs it, we move forward with it and recreate it all the time so we end up being adults who carry around self-doubts that limit our potential.

That is why we are screwed up.

That is why people justify themselves saying “That’s just the way I am...That’s just who I am...take it or leave it” (always accompanied with that shrug of the shoulders!!)

I realize now I’ve always gotten stuck where the gurus say things like ...”this is where a choice needs to be made Possum: you can either let those self-doubts control your actions, or you can work through them by improving the things you can change and accepting those you can't. Only then can you start working on the most important relationship you'll ever have: the relationship with yourself.”

This accepting crap did not sit well with me. I wanted to know why...how!! I have lost track of the amount of shelf help I have absorbed over the years but there really does come a time in your life when you say (bloody well) enough!

And then a light came on.
Knowing all the information;having all the answers. That alone cannot enhance our self esteem.
One can get a "How to" ride a bike book out of the library and learn how to ride a bike. Shit, you can get TEN “How to” books all telling you the same thing. But to really learn to ride a bike you have to “get” on the bike and wobble and maybe even fall to finally “get” the distinction of the concept of reading how and feeling how; of feeling what that balance is. You have to apply the facts to your life to “get” them. That is what this whole choice thing is about. You not only have to choose new behaviors, you have to to make the decision to hold yourself up to a new possibility. You have to ask yourself: “do I stay on the old path and keep the dysfunction or do I try something different and stop the spiral of self sabotage?”
You have to declare them first and then step into them. Declare that you want to be known for these qualities ...and then step into them. I guess it’s a bit like declaring you are going to get fit and then stepping into the new behaviour of an exercise regime. I believe if we shift the pictures that we hold in our mind we can change our reality; change the colors of our canvas; strip off the old useless layers and add our own new layers.
But we need to pick up the paintbrush and mix the colors to “get” the distinction!

I guess I’m fortunate in that I have had the time and circumstances to ponder all of this and make the choice to look inwards for answers; make the choice to sit still and think for a bit when an upset has happened; when health issues have made me take pause. I’ve realized that whatever’s been going on no longer works for me; it might actually have created actual dis-ease. I’ve worked out that when the upset happens it is a microcosm of the initial upset that hurt the little girl in me. I don't think we need to remember what the actual initial upset was because we know what it feels like; we’ve reproduced it all our lives!

I also get the concept that we have an emotional reactive form of listening. We don't just hear with our ears, we hear with our emotions. If it’s not going to be happy then it’s going to be either angry or sad or afraid. And then we will respond with anger, sadness or fear. For example, indignant anger...the “how dare you!” reactions...or the “oh woe is me” reactions...or those dreadful fearful reactions. This is how we head the hurt off at the pass to protect ourselves. The majority of us have lived out of any of these emotional responses for years and years. I know I have.

But guess what? If we reinterpret the upset we get to reinvent ourselves. This is the penny that I had to get to drop. If we simply make up something else other than the indignant anger or the fear or the sadness, if we simply replace it we will get a different result.

Hah...simply!

But seriously I have pondered this and it is that simple. Our emotional response is the big red flag. When I was able to identify my trigger I literally reinvented the situation that had caused it but attached no emotional status to it.
Next time someone cuts you off in traffic see what mood that triggers!
But take a moment and reinvent the situation. Instead of assuming the guy is an asshole who dared cut you off, do a mental 180 and assume maybe he got bad news and just did not see you or maybe he had a bad morning or ...whatever. We don't need to forgive the bad behavior we just don't need to let it ruin our day. We don't need to be addicted to the anger or sadness or fear anymore.

We all know people who are addicted to worrying. Right? No matter what is going on in their lives they need to have something to worry about. They scann and look for this and will always gravitate toward people and situations that will give them their fix. Just like I have clearly always gravitated towards people who will criticize me, reject me, abandon me, not love me. So when we know what runs us by identifying what our emotional reactions are we can heal our past hurts and that will raise our self esteem.

Or not.

We could just stay in an uncomfortable comfort zone because it’s what we know. Like new shoes...they can rub and pinch so instead of trying them on and walking in them we’ll stay with the old holed ones. And whine!

So when someone shrugs their shoulders and says that’s just the way they are my reaction will not be to jump in and try and save them from themselves or change them or god knows what else I have done in the past to gain their approval or acceptance or vent my frustration...no...I will recognize that they are being who they CHOOSE to be and regardless of who they choose to be I am responsible for who I am. I shall mind my own business! I shall however mind it with Empathy, like we did with the 'asshole' driver remember?

We act out of whatever images we hold in our minds remember, this gives us our fix; our ability to vent to dominate, to be fearful or sad. Being empathetic allows us to not step into that victim status. Being empathetic takes away the perceived assault. Putting yourself in the other person’s world doesn’t mean we will now condone bad behavior but it does mean that we will take a moment to think about what it feels like for them. Accept that they are not doing it TO us...they are just doing it. We don't always see the big picture ...like being in a row of dominoes. Empathy gives us the option of reacting to the world from the point of view that it is not actually always about us.
In fact it is rarely about us!

Did you know that depression can cause the brain to alter its chemistry? People can be addicted to sadness. It allows them to be victims...to never have to take responsibility. Assuming a victim status keeps us stuck; allows us to be right! You get that?

It. Allows. Us. To. Be. Right.

Yay! We finally get to be “right” about something when so often we have been told we are wrong. And being right feels good so we hang on to it for dear life! But all we are doing is keeping a chronic situation in place. Right? That lightbulb moment was a biggie for me.

After E comes F and after Empathy comes Forgiveness.

Hmm...I’ve alluded to how difficult this has been for me in other posts this is what I am working on. Daily!

Forgiveness starts with forgiving oneself for making mistakes; realizing we are not perfect. What do “they” always say: “we tend to hate in others what we hate in ourselves?” I can accept this but I also accept the fact that I can hate things in people that are nowhere near in me - Murder, infidelity, rape, and abuse to name the immediate few. Okay so let’s assume we can forgive ourselves yet still take responsibility for our actions; own them but not dwell and fester about them. Okay? Now we need to forgive others.

If forgiveness is about forgiving another for making the mistake and not about condoning the bad behavior; if it’s about saying I have a right to be angry but that I am not going to carry it around and vent all the time, then it works for me. This definition of forgiveness means that I can decide to be someone who is known for love instead of anger.

One can simply decide that that person made a mistake.

One can simply decide you are not going to look for revenge.

One can simply decide that the anger no longer serves you.

Forgiveness is the process of releasing it. The process of blessing that person. (okay I said I was working on it!!!) One does not have to agree with another person’s behavior or actions but you can simply decide that you are no longer going to be affected by it; you are going to move on. I do believe that when we release that emotion and are willing to move on and not let it dominate our lives with anger the loving relationships will follow. One can’t have anger in one’s heart and attract the things you want in your life at the same time. One has to be willing though, willing to move on, to let go of the juicy negative bits that have justified our very character; that have made us right. You have to be willing to step into and act on the declaration of who you have decided to be.

Finally Gratitude.

Why Gratitude? Because it is impossible to be angry and vindictive if you are grateful. Similarly, focusing on the negative does not allow us to be grateful. At all.
I am beyond grateful that I now live in a time and place that affords me the luxury of being able to focus on what is right about today; here and now and in the absolute moment. I am sure that this alone has led me into this ~~dissertation~~ very long post!

I think I got to do all of this backwards... from G to E.
I found myself in a good place so I started looking for more good and found it and the more I found the less importance the negative held for me; the more disruptive and exhausting the irritations and anger became. I think when we realize we have the ability to make more of the good on purpose, the ability to manifest the things we want, we then decide quite simply that we are going to look for the good ...because we say we are.
That is how we stop being apathetic, when we stop settling for less. The ultimate prerequisite for happiness and success is to elevate our self esteem so the sooner we start to believe in ourselves the sooner we will manifest a whole new reality!

That is when we get to design our whole new life on purpose.

That is really living deliberately.

Double d's

2011-05-25T03:45:00.000+01:00

Do, or do not. There is no "try". - Yoda,
in the movie "The Empire Strikes Back"

Don’t look back in anger.

Do Live in the moment.

Don’t forget to take the time to smell the roses.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you…seriously!

Don’t drink and drive.

Do your best…~~even~~ especially when you think it wont matter.

Don’t assume its always about you.

Do something out of character once in a while; surprise yourself!

Don’t forget to flush – literally and figuratively.

Do yourself a favour by trusting your gut instinct.

Don’t underestimate the wisdom of a child.

Do a cryptic crossword and expand your logic.

Don’t look a madman in the eye.

Do your daily chores and kegels at the same time.

Don’t define yourself by stuff or even worse…money.

Do physical exercise for your wellness.

Don’t forget the difference between want and need.

Do some things the old fashioned way.

Don’t blame others for the consequences of the choices you make.

Do what makes you proud and joyful.

Don’t wear white high heels…ever.

Do things for others anonymously.

Don’t lie to yourself.

Do rather than do nothing.

The versatility of C…see?

2011-05-14T04:37:00.001+01:00

Gosh! Look what I found waiting for me over here!

I have seen this on my travels around the blogosphere so imagine my surprise!

Thank you Katherine …

Muito Obrigada, Merci beaucoup, Baai Dankie

Seize the day I say (actually I didn’t say it first but you know what I mean).

The weather has taken a turn for the worse; the thunder and lightning variety, so wrapping up with my laptop and catching up is called for.

Suffice it to say I have more than a bit of catching up to do on my climb up the alphabet ladder so methinks it will be a good idea to combine today’s letter …C…with the conditions attached to this nomination.

And this is what I have to do:

1. Thank and link to the person who nominated you. P

2. Share seven random facts about yourself.
Okay… here goes…

Cape Town… seems the right place to start this randomness; this is where I say I come from when asked. But it was not where my childhood was spent. I was born in Rhodesia now known as Zimbabwe and raised for 12 years on a farm just outside Bulawayo. At the age of 12 the family moved to the city of Salisbury now known as Harare. I was sweet 16 when the family packed up and flew to the latitude of 34 degrees south.

Comedy theatre… a passion I left behind when I moved away from Cape Town. I was introduced to the world of amateur dramatics when a friend asked me to work backstage as a Prompt. I don’t know if a star was born but a love for theatre and things cultural certainly found its rightful place in my life and a hidden talent emerged. My favourite role? Playing ‘Olive’ in the female version of ‘The Odd Couple’ (the Jack Lemon part).

made with love and care by Moi!!

Cooking… a passion I discovered in my new hometown. I think it proved the theory of time and place. I’d always been able to cook but hadn’t bothered much until the move away from Cape Town to join my newfound love (meh) included taking over a floundering restaurant. And thinking about “walking the boards” I think my restaurant became my own personal stage…service time was like curtain-up and the customers seemed to love it and the holiday makers returned time and again. The food wasn’t half bad either J These days I relish making Curry, folk go weak at the knees at the mention of my Chocolate Mousse and any catering I do will involve the creation of canapés!

Calamari as in a calamari Cook-off competition! Did I mention the restaurant was floundering… as in no passing trade… no customers? Well, the promise of summer brought with it the “bare foot festival” of which the cook off was an event that all the hotel and restaurant chefs entered. Chefs! I decided to enter as a means of promoting the Café … just to participate mind you, not to compete… well, I walked away with first prize for my winning recipe as well as first prize for the design of the stand (I guess my set designing experience from the theatre really helped me here!!) and thus came into my own as a Restauranteur.

Colonectomy. Colonoscopy. Colon cancer. Far too many damned C’s in there! I thought there could be nothing worse than a colonoscopy. I was wrong. Seriously, I cannot stress 2 hyphenated words enough …check-up… get one! Now! Two years of constant indigestion and the need for a medical clearance certificate forced me into the specialist’s rooms whereupon I had a gastroscopy – that is by far the worst procedure – after which it seemed rather cowardly to continue resisting the colonoscopy. It was nothing! A week later I was being wheeled into theatre and five hours later my colon was considerably shorter. And do I think about the years of resistance and how maybe the pain and suffering of this operation might have been avoided by having had the scopes? Hell yeah!

(mind you with an anaesthetist as cute as Mcdreamy it wasn't all bad!)

Calheta is a municipality on the southwest coast of a Portuguese island. Ironically it is situated on the latitude of 34 degrees north (!!) and is where I now live! And if you stay on that latitude and keep going lto the eft it arrives in Los Angeles where my brother and his wife live; where I lived for a while. On its way there it more than likely also bisects that bloody crop circle in Texas where I ~~lived~~ ~~existed~~ stayed for 6 months. Moving here was not as easy as just getting on a flight and arriving. Sure our family has been coming to the island for over a decade and we now own property here, but to stay longer than the standard 90 days required Police clearance, Medical clearance (!!) and copious letters of recommendation and motivation, all duly translated. And it didn’t stop there, getting that stamp in my passport just gave me permission to stay here long enough for my permanent residence application to be approved or denied. More pieces of paper! Clearly the Champagne flowed 3 months later when the approval came through.

Curly hair. Naturally curly auburn hair to be precise! The bane of my mercilessly teased childhood but ultimately a blessing that set the adult me apart from the arbitrary!

Right… that’s 7 and hopefully suitably random… what next…

3. Pass the award along to 5 new-found blogging buddies.

Well I am sure all 5 have received this award time and time again but you know what? Bite me! The common denominator with this particular quintet is their collective way with words. Brilliant, witty, hilarious, inspiring - all entirely different; individuals.

So without further ado here they are: Annabelle (I think we might have been separated at birth), Sunday (I have immense admiration for your endurance) (I also want your dog!!), Mommakiss (the new Fanny Flagg), Mynx (what can I say, you personify versatile!) and Semi True (yes I can relate!).

Now here’s the thing y’all, here’s another C word… CHOICE. You have the freedom to choose whatever you want to do with this bit of bling. You can do the 7 bits of randomness if you so desire… or not… this is more just my way of leaving a mark on your mantelpiece!

This has been fun.

Now ‘scuse me whilst I go pour myself a glass of Chardonnay and then...
4. Contact the winners to congratulate them. P

(that of course was HOURS ago when Blogger was in a coma!)

Be... just bee!

2011-05-04T13:19:00.003+01:00

Today's B is for Boundaries.

Boundaries give definition to who a person is.

Ideally a person needs to know what and where their boundaries actually are and then be able to communicate them to others, right? Right.

In fact even Robert Burney thinks so. He says:

"It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate

directly, and honestly.

Learning how to set boundaries is

a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves.

It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves -

to protect ourselves when it is necessary.

It is impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves without owning our self - and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives."

I thought the dorkus and I were two people destined to be together but you know what got in the way? All of the above...

I dont mean to sound bitter but really, having lived the fairytale and having had it take me to hell and back in the proverbial handbasket, I'm just a tad hesitant when it comes to folk who are so called 'destined' to be together. Destiny just seemed to take too much damned hard work.

But let me not digress.

After finding my girl panties and climbing out of that hand-basket I made a decision. I decided that I wasn't going to feel that bad ever again. Ever.

And to achieve this nirvana I would have to walk my own talk. I have forgotten how many times I've uttered the words "The only way to change someone's behaviour is to change your own."

So I looked inwards instead of blamefully outwards.

I looked at all the men I have had relationships with; men whom I considered to be completely different from each other. Crapola!

From this new perspective they were all practically identical.

That would make me the common denominator then, right? So who was I?

Why was it that on one hand I could be really successful at so many things in my life, yet when it came to the most significant relationships I felt worthless? Oh don't get me wrong, it wasn't all doom and gloom with the dorkus, with the others, but I had to find out why this one had dissolved into a heap of nothing. I had to work out why, when it really mattered, why I had an almost inevitable inability to be able to speak my mind; my truth.

I had to work out why I have always been able to fight other people’s fights but not my own; why I could passively avoid conflict and yet be inwardly seething.
Clearly my continual tension, discomfort, irritation and anger were all clues to the fact that something was askew within my significant relationships…even the ‘destined’ ones!

So I picked up my spade and bucket and jumped into the sandpit of introspection and guess what I dug up? As far back as I could remember, right back to that little girl from way back when... especially when... then there was another common denominator that had shaped me...my lack of voice.

I wasn't just a shy child; I was a child who has been silenced from the inside out...seen and not heard. I was a child who was fearful of speaking out, speaking up...fear of consequences...lack of boundaries.

But what boundary developing skills does a child have? In most cases none. Our parents are there to filter and nurture these skills. Having an overbearing, dominating father and a passive mother who jumped to his bidding, and still does, certainly did not help.

Okay it wasn’t all bad. I mean in my quest for approval I have run not one nor two but three successful businesses; I can get up on a stage and give award winning performances; I have many friends who love and adore me but heck, ask me to fill out a blog profile and I am speechless!

And just how often do we justify not speaking our truths for fear of hurting another's feelings? Often! If we man up we'll admit that we avoid doing this for fear of consequence; fear of disapproval or rejection. Right?

So much negativity is thrown at the word "no". Whenever we do say it why do we feel the need to justify it?

Oh and lets not forget that other fabulous habit that comes with the territory of lacking boundaries…taking every comment or situation personally…sigh... How often is this about the other person? How much of what they say or do is a reflection of their own issues, challenges or boundaries (or lack thereof) rather than mine?

Often I tell you… often and muchly!

And amazingly I’ve discovered just how often a person had no idea I felt a certain way. For example…my brother…loves and adores me, right… but I have always been the butt of his jokes. A.L.W.A.Y.S

In fact when he and my Dad get together it’s a real comedy fest! However they have now learned that this hurts me; that I don’t actually find it funny being continually thrown under the bus..never have. They now think twice before saying things. And if they forget and ‘go there’ my silence fills the gap that I would have normally jumped into with some jocular rebuttal; one upmanship. Okay to be honest my Dad's not handled the change in my behaviour that well so we have a lot of silent moments, but hey, that's his business to mind and not mine.

So when I said I didn’t mean to sound bitter, I really meant it.

It’s been a trip journeying back and redefining the lines. The fun is now deciding which crayons to use to colour in the gaps.

it all begins with an A

2011-05-02T22:25:00.003+01:00

“More powerful than all poetry,

more pervasive than all science,

more profound than all philosophy are the letters of the alphabet,

26 pillars of strength upon which our culture rests.”

Anonymous

There has been an abundance of challenges in the blog world; 30 days of this, 30 days of that. The one that that I caught the ..erm..tail end of was an A to Z challenge over here

I like the idea of committing to a discipline and I like the concept of this one as the alphabet theme leaves it open to interpretation and application. And yes it would be nice to be linked up with others who are doing the same thing to see what word they choose on any given day, but what the hell…there are hundreds to scroll back through over here

“Writing is a system of human communication that works through the use of visible signs. The beginnings of writing are inseparably connected to those of art,

and one must never treat them as separate entities.

All letters are signs, and all signs began as pictures.

The alphabet is the source.

When one considers the immense power of mans spirit,

it is amazing to think that it could not have developed without the alphabet.

How clearly we are heirs to this process…the links in a chain.”

Freidrich Nuegebauer

Ap-pre-hen-sion - anticipation of adversity or misfortune; suspicion or fear of future trouble or evil.

This noun beginning with A was my theme-word for today.

Why? Well a little over a month ago when I was back in Cape Town for a short visit I decided to have a mammogram. Having had my first scan a year ago I had no feelings of trepidation arriving for this 8am appointment; I'd not previously endured that much joked about discomfort of having ones boobs slammed between a pair of frozen bookends. Sure it is uncomfortable for a brief moment, but really, all that fuss.

So I thought. Four hours, five scans and an ultrasound later I had changed my opinion. Although to be fair, the standard ~turn to the left, press, turn to the right, press, return to your cubicle and wait for your result~ procedure was quite bearable, as it had been before.

It was the waiting.

The cubicle.

The delay.

The not knowing what the delay was for.

Hearing your name being bandied about for a call back not once, twice or thrice, but four times.

FOUR!

By that time I was starting to snarl at the radiographer.

And still that was not enough.

I was instructed to return to the confines of my 90 x 90cm cubicle to wait until I was called for.

I requested a magazine refresh.
Eventually I am called to have my very first ultrasound.

The medical folk are all staring and the screen like they are watching their favourite soap... the bold and the boobiful perchance...

The nodding and the frowning is not calming my frazzled nerves.

So what now?

Now we need to remove the source of all our frowns.

And how does that work?

Well, we send you for another mamogram (another one??) this time with a needle (a needle???) so that some dye can be inected to mark the spot and then we find an available breast surgeon...

Whoa!! Surgeon? As in hospital, anesthetic, theatre?

Shit! This is now a Friday and I am supposed to be flying long haul on Monday... I try to explain through tears

Aah...much excitement...where are you going?
And that's when it hit me...HOME. As ghastly as this whole morning was turning out to be, it was in that watershed moment that I knew that the lovely little island that I had moved to a year before was indeed my new home.
And I couldn't wait to get the hell back here either!
Which I did... armed with all my scans and this morning was the morning that I started the procedure of having things attented to by the doctors here.
Ergo the apprehension...

"Apprehension, uncertaintly, waiting, fear of surprise, do a patient more harm than any exertion"

Florence Nightingale

Harm? Well if that's the case then I need to have a theme-word do-over!

"anticipation"

by Bianca van der Werf

An-tic-ipa-tion

the act of anticipating or the state of being anticipated.
realization in advance; foretaste.
expectation or hope.
previous notion; slight previous impression.
intuition, foreknowledge, or prescience.

That'll do. Especially number 3!

May Day...Mayday

2011-05-01T11:32:00.000+01:00

Clean slate

New beginning

Starting over

New month

Thirty one days of possibility

But you're still you

“Wherever you go, there you are”

Will your May be different?

Maybe

Monkey Man hosts the 160 Character Challenge

the royal we

2011-04-30T11:11:00.001+01:00

In a word...awesome!

Even the Vicars were doing cartwheels of joy after this amazing event.

"Most people get married believing a myth -
that marriage is a beautiful box,

full of the things they have longed for:

companionship, sexual fulfillment, intimacy and friendship.

The truth is, marriage at the start, is an empty box.

You must put something in before you can take anything out.

There is no love in marriage; love is in people.

There is no romance in marriage; people have to infuse it into their marriages.

A couple must learn the art and form the habit of
giving, loving, serving, praising - keeping the box full.

If you take out more than you put in, the box will be empty. "

- J Allen Petersen

I know there was a lot of pomp and ceremony yesterday, but what shone through all of it for me was the love between a boy and a girl; a boy and girl who have their feet placed firmly on sensible ground.

And hats off to them!

chocolate coated parenthood

2011-04-25T02:18:00.001+01:00

Well today feels like it has been a complete waste of mascara! Not even chocolate could have soothed my raw edges. In fact if there had been any around here it would have been more like rubbing salt into a wound.

An old wound.

Not that today started that way. In fact there is nothing quite as scrumptious as getting to bed the night before knowing that everything is squared away; all the guests have what they need, all the laundering of linen is done, most of the paperwork for the tax return is done so nothing more than a luxurious Sunday morning lie in is in order. Obligatory, in fact.

So with no further ado Sunday morning arrives along with a steaming cup of coffee and guilt free time to catch up on my reading. Pick up the Kindle…nah…leave that for the afternoon nap. Pick up the laptop…yip…Facebook first…click, click, reply, comment, like,…then here to see who has posted. Of course everyone I follow has been posting for days so best I get another cup of coffee!

And then I read this post

Now don’t get me wrong, I totally get how some gals choose not to have children and how others do but just don’t get the finer points of a child’s free range imagination.

But that’s not what brought on the blues.

It was the memory of an Easter Sunday morning from my previous life time. My then partner and I were excited because his young son was flying down to spend the Easter holidays with us. I of course had been unable to resist buying Easter Eggs and chocolate treats at every opportunity as my inner child was planning an awesome egg hunt.

Of course the little chap was most concerned that the Easter Bunny was going to know where he was; a guessing game that I was happy to play along with.
Eventually it was lights out time and the coast was clear for us to hide the chocolate treasure. We had such fun finding places to squirrel away the loot and went to bed in anticipation of the fun to be had in the morning.

But it was not to be. An early morning call-out put paid to that. A customer with a problem, not urgent, full of apologies, but please to come in. I was used to being woken at all ungodly hours and having the ex rush off to sort out every body else’s life ...but this morning, this time, his very first Easter with his son? Really?
Looking back at it now this alone should have been a big red flag for me.

So there I was practically hiding in the bedroom willing the little one to stay asleep until his dad got home so that the two of them could make precious memories. But I heard stirring and footsteps and giggling and shrieks and knew that the ~~cat~~ bunny was out of the bag.

A little face full of joy peeked into the room, and when he saw I was awake he catapulted onto the bed unable to stop jumping with joy because the bunny had found him. He was so good though 'cos he hadn't touched one egg. He’d espied the first one and come running through to find us to tell us all about it and I felt so guilty that he’d only found me. Of course he wanted to know where his dad was and I tried to make light of it but my heart was breaking.

For both of them… dammit!

I wonder what the little one’s Easter Sunday was like this year. Were eggs hidden? Does he still have that amazing imagination and ability to believe the magic of the fantasy?

Did his father now living an ocean and a continent away find the time to call him or did someone else’s “stuff” take precedence.

I wouldn’t know.

I’m not allowed to know.

What I do know though is that I would have made an awesome Mom.

Speak quietly to yourself and promise there will be better days. Whisper gently to yourself and provide assurance that you really are extending your best effort. Console your bruised and tender spirit with reminders of many other successes. Offer comfort in practical and tangible ways — as if you were encouraging your dearest friend. Recognize that on certain days the greatest grace is that the day is over and you get to close your eyes. Tomorrow comes more brightly.
— Mary Anne Radmacher

doing my happy dance

2011-04-05T17:12:00.000+01:00

...3 weeks, 6 flights, 4 cities, 6 bedrooms....

...there's just no place like home!

just a jump to the left.....

2011-03-13T23:57:00.002Z

Time is fleeting

Time is changing

Zones can be confusing

Today is London

(Ikea and Roast Beef)

Tomorrow Dubai

(Sprinting for my next flight)

Tuesday will be Cape Town

Monkey Man . hosts the 160 Character Challenge

A Sioux Story

2011-03-10T06:47:00.001Z

The Creator gathered all of Creation and said,

"I want to hide something from the humans until they are ready for it.

It is the realization that they create their own reality."

The eagle said,

"Give it to me, I will take it to the moon."

The Creator said,

"No. One day they will go there and find it."

The salmon said,

"I will bury it on the bottom of the ocean."

"No. They will go there too."

The buffalo said,

"I will bury it on the Great Plains."

The Creator said,

"They will cut into the skin of the Earth and find it even there."

Grandmother Mole,

who lives in the breast of Mother Earth,

and who has no physical eyes

but sees with spiritual eyes,

said,

"Put it inside of them."

And the Creator said,

"It is done."

Based upon a Native American Legend

out of the blue came the grey

2011-03-06T13:41:00.001Z

Unexpected weather delivered on high winds

Thunder, lightning, torrential rain.

Gardening boots lie still

Unworn

Forlorn

Weeds will be doing a happy dance!

(Reprieve)

Monkey Man . hosts the 160 Character Challenge

Sunday 160 - I couldn’t have done that if I'd tried

2011-02-27T23:13:00.000Z

How is it we can hit a target without trying;

yet when we try we can miss by a mile?

How my metatarsophalangeal joint would have loved being missed by that rock.

Monkey Man hosts the 160 Character Challenge

Sunday 160 - lyrical remix

2011-02-20T00:08:00.000Z

Okay so I've been busy... but today, by chance, I happened to catch a re-run of the Grammy's. Clearly I'm behind the times in who's who and what's what in the world of music so my offering for today is per kind favour of two bands who I had never heard before. Lovely sounds.....

If the darkness has robbed you of your sight

hold on to what you believe in the light

If you love yourself you're never rejected

Decide what to be and go be it!

Extracted (with a few minor alterations) from:

Head full of doubt/Road full of Promise- The Avett Brothers

Hold on to What you believe - Mumford and Sons

Monkey Man . hosts the 160 Character Challenge

Sunday 160 - run for your life

2011-02-13T11:00:00.000Z

On your marks..

Get set..

Wait!

What is that chubby toddler doing on the track?

And why is he carrying a bow and arrow?

SOMEONE DIAL 911!

Oh my god, he’s taking aim..

Monkey Man hosts the 160 Character Challenge

a snigger for the day

2011-02-05T11:30:00.000Z

How the Internet started!

A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM)

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here's the TRUE story ...

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

And that is how it all began.

option A, B, C ....or D.. all of the above?

2011-02-04T16:58:00.003Z

I was tidying up my inbox and found this tale in an old email; a mail that I was reluctant to delete since it had packed such a punch on its first, and subsequent, reading. I really hope its author is aware of how well travelled this is; but perhaps that's the purpose of a parable..?

"A young woman journeyed to see her mother. When she arrived, she shared with her mother how hard life had become for her. She was tired of fighting and struggling. She told her mother about her life.

“When one problem is solved, a new one arises,” she lamented.

She could no longer cope.

Her Mother led her to the kitchen and filled three pots with water. She placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. Into the first she dropped carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she released ground coffee beans. The Mother let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes, she turned off the burners. She scooped out the carrots and placed them in a bowl. She pulled out the eggs and placed them in another bowl. Then she ladled out the coffee and placed it in a third bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me, what do you see?”

“Carrots, eggs and coffee,” the daughter replied.

Her Mother asked her to feel the carrots. The young woman noted that they were so soft that they were almost falling apart.

The Mother then asked her daughter to take one of the eggs and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed that the egg was hard.

Finally the Mother asked the daughter to touch the coffee beans. They hadn’t changed much, but the young woman couldn’t resist the aroma of the coffee, and she took a sip. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

”Each of these has faced the same adversity,” the mother said, “boiling water”. Each has reacted differently.

The carrot went in firm, and after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg was fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after being boiled in water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they changed the water.”

Looking at her daughter the mother asked, “Which do you want to be? When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?”

Anonymous

Which do you believe yourself to be?

A carrot

■When confronted by challenges, pain and adversity do you wilt, become soft and lose your strength?

An egg

■Do you have a fluid spirit, but after a death, breakup or financial hardship or some other less-than-pleasing life event, become hardened and stiff?

A Coffee bean

■When you experience an adversarial life event do you change the environment around you? When the water gets hot, the bean actually releases its underlying fragrance and flavour. If you are like the bean, when things are less than pleasing, you change the situation.

Now if I had to answer the question I would ask,
"Is it possible to be all three?"

It has been said that resilience is a dynamic process which speaks to our innate ability to bounce back from significant incidents of adversity, trauma, tragedy and physical or emotional threat. But depending on the situation I've found myself at times weak and feeling hopeless like the limp carrot. Other things have left me feeling like the egg, hardened and even somewhat bitter. And yet at other times I would like to think I've been like the coffee bean with its ability to change 'the water'.

Yep, I think it will have to be a good balanced "all of the above" for me.

one down eleven to go...make them count!

2011-02-01T23:17:00.002Z

Sunday 160 - so what is the norm?

2011-01-30T16:32:00.001Z

I spent the whole day yesterday thinking it was Sunday; the first one that MM had not posted his 160.
And then the penny dropped.
So today was a complete bonus!
A dash of insomnia afforded me the chance to catch a Season 3 re-run of an episode from Gray's Anatomy. I just love those before during and after monologues that relate to the essence of each show, so my Sunday offering is 160 characters plucked from the original 411 (per kind favour of Meredith Gray)

~~~*~~~

We cling to our expectations because the expected is what keeps us steady; standing.

The expected is just the beginning.

The unexpected is what changes our lives.

Monkey Man . hosts the 160 Character Challenge

Sunday 160 - counting threads

2011-01-23T10:54:00.000Z

A Sunday morning lie-in is a reminder.

Let people lie in the bed they made;

not out of spite or retribution

It’s how the grown-up world works.

It's time for coffee.

Monkey Man hosts the 160 Character Challenge

Be careful what you wish for....

2011-01-22T19:30:00.002Z

I read somewhere that one can compare ones past to lifeless forms hanging on hooks in a closet. The closet goes with you wherever you go – or in my case, the shipping container with the packing cases finally arrives!
It makes sense that these bits and pieces are part of us – they have made up our experiences – but that we are no longer part of them. Ergo they are our past….lifeless. Of course you can open the closet door and look through them. But, if you take them out and try to carry them around, they are a heavy and unnecessary burden.
I've experienced that heaviness first-hand of late; pretty much each and every time I opened a box marked “personal” or “precious” or possum’s “stuff”. …Stuff that I had packed with such hope and happiness in my heart.

Of course not all of my “stuff” was emotionally heavy to unpack into its new closet; some things…many in fact…were like old friends …a joy to see again after such a long absence.
One such joy was a book sent to me by a precious friend. Her mail to me heralding its arrival went exactly like this:
“I've just finished reading a short poignant book of anecdotes on South Africa by the Muslim writer, Rayda Jacobs. It's called Postcards from South Africa. Have you read it? Just reply yes or no. If it's no, I shall send it to you as a belated birthday present. What is your postal address?”

6 months later I had to stand up in a Church and find the words for her obituary.

She was a friend like no other; abundant with her love and honesty…an abundance which commanded the same in return. But it was more than that…she “got” me…even when I was tired of and confused with me. When I left Cape Town - the first time – and went to live in Plettenberg Bay she relished the fact that her annual pilgrimage to her family’s holiday home passed through my new town so she could plan a sleepover and catch-up both coming and going. In fact when she bought her new KA car she called me immediately and asked if she could come to us for the weekend she wanted to give it a long-distance test drive. I treasured her for this.

She also absolutely understood how hard and lonely my new life in Texas was and endeavored to write me as long and as newsy emails as she could, even when she had no news. I treasure those emails as through them I can still hear her voice. She just knew that sending me that book would put a little bit of home back into my life. I like to think that it also made her feel a little closer to me.
I’ll never forget calling her to tell her that we were going to live in Texas. And by Texas I mean Muleshoe, Texas.

(I’ll wait while you see if you can find that on a map.)

“Right!!”…she said…”this is obviously going to be good so let me get my wine and my cigarettes and don’t dare leave a thing out!!”

In fact she loved the story so much she would ask me to repeat it just so she could make sure her memory of it had left nothing out. I remembered all of this when I unpacked that precious book. I remembered how it had in fact been another little book that had started this whole Texas ball rolling.

So…once upon a time…once more for posterity….here goes:

I was visiting Cape Town for a friends birthday party. The Dorkus had surprised me by saying he was actually going to make the effort and drive down and join me for the party. I had recently sold my restaurant having successfully survived 3 crazy holiday “seasons” and we had moved onto a beautiful farm where I found my interest in gardening and growing things blossoming. However the soil was not of the best quality. So during this particular trip back home whilst looking through the books in my Dad´s library, my eyes did spy a little book on Hydroponics. Aha! The answer to my soil problems.

I guess the Dorkus was very supportive of all of this because when we got home he did a whole lot of research on the internet and came up with the concept of Aquaponics. This neatly melded his passion for fish and my interest in growing vegetables. If it sounds like there is a big sigh in there somewhere you’re right because suddenly my concept of feeding us from the land became a whole complicated frigging venture – one of supplying huge supermarkets with my tomatoes and his fish from no less than 45m long tunnels!
How to kill an idea in one fell swoop.
Ever the practical lass I of course wanted to see if I could actually raise a tomato before I:

a. invested every cent I might possess and

b. killed off thousands of baby fish (which would have been purchased with my aforementioned cents!)

This whole tunnel thing became a fixation for the Dorkus but I stood firm on the impracticalities of starting out so big. I did relent and agreed to buy some plastic covering that would fit a small tunnel the frame of which we were looking at building ourselves. I must say I felt less reluctant about having forked out over R1000 for the plastic when he (reluctantly) agreed to pay for one of those porta-pools to turn into a fish rearing tank.

To cut to the chase of the story a few months went by; University certification courses in Aquaculture were discovered for me (!!) to study, winter came and went, I was now employed by the farm owners as their furniture manufacturing company´s sales manager and the pool had become a rainwater tank. I was however managing to grow some very healthy looking plants from seed so was confident I could manage a small crop.

Then my mother was hospitalized. She needed a Colonectomy. She and my Dad were quite relaxed about the whole thing but the daughter in me thought they might benefit from a bit of support so I got in the car and drove the 6 hours to Cape Town, arriving to relieved smiles as they wheeled her into her 10am surgery.

All went well and results were benign. I remember it was November. We also discussed the whole fish/farming tunnel topic. And thats when Dad had his brainwave. He told me to buy a “Farmer´s Weekly” magazine and look in the Classifieds; that would be the best place to look or advertise for a small second hand tunnel. BRILLIANT!
Any South African reading this will also know that it has the funniest lonely heart column as well!

A few days later it was time for me to get back to work so I packed up and hit the road. On the outskirts of the city I made my usual stop for petrol and munchies and there, in amongst the marshmallows and crisps lay a single copy of the “Farmers Weekly”.

OMG!! I had forgotten. But wait...just one copy...just lying there...?
Not for long it wasn't. I added it to my bounty, packed it together with the other magazines I had bought to take back to the farm and off I went.

A few days later it was Sunday and that meant I was given breakfast in bed - one of the last remaining rituals that had survived our courtship. It was also the day I languished with the Sunday papers whenever possible. That wouldn't be necessary this day as I had my stash of magazines saved for just this occasion. I opened the bag and pulled out the top one. The Farmer´s Weekly.

OMG! I had forgotten all about it, yet again!
And with that I turned to the back of the magazine and thumbed through the classified section and out popped an advert:

“Dairy farm in Texas requires services of refrigeration technician. Only serious applicants need apply”

Hmm...I thought....
“Babes, have you ever considered putting your CV out there...see what comes back?”
Hmm...he said...looking at the ad...and if ever anyone wanted to see "The Secret" in action it would have been at that precise moment. I actually saw him put himself into whatever he imagined that place was because by the following February, a mere 3 months later, he was there ...in Muleshoe...awaiting my March arrival.

So that is how I ended up in Texas....

Sunday 160 - in the here and now

2011-01-16T09:47:00.001Z

Time and time again I forgave you.

I now see how my forgiveness fostered your malicious behaviour;

you had no incentive to stop.

Now it is me I need to forgive!

Monkey Man . hosts the 160 Character Challenge

this is so true...

2011-01-13T15:46:00.000Z

To know someone here or there

with whom you can feel

there is understanding

in spite of distances

or thoughts expressed --

That can make life a garden.

-Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe.

11 days that never were…

2011-01-12T02:25:00.000Z

“September 2, 1752, was a great day in the history of sleep.”

Isn’t that just a great opening line? No wonder it caught my eye. It goes on to say the following:

“That Wednesday evening, millions of British subjects in England and the colonies went peacefully to sleep and did not wake up until twelve days later. Behind this feat of narcoleptic prowess was not some revolutionary hypnotic technique or miraculous pharmaceutical discovered in the West Indies. It was, rather, the British Calendar Act of 1751, which declared the day after Wednesday the second to be Thursday the fourteenth.”

Can you imagine some government trying to pull that shit in this day and age? And what’s that about the West Indies and pharmaceuticals? I thought they were renowned for their curry spices and cricket playing prowess?

So anyway, as I was saying, I tripped over this in an article called “The Curious History of the Gregorian Calendar” by Ben Snowden. At the time I was looking for the meaning of “Twelfth Night” which is when the Christmas decorations have to come down or it’s bad luck – another one of those traditions that one follows without knowing why. I’m still not absolutely sure when the decorations got involved but Twelfth night falls on the eve of the 6th of January which back in the day was a feast called Epiphany. In short this date commemorates three events one of which is the visit of the Wise Men to Bethlehem. Okay so that would also explain the groups of kids I saw here sporting kingly cloaks and crowns.

Also interesting is that in popular celebration the feast is far more ancient than Christmas so technically it is more important than Christmas. It’s still a gift giving day in many countries so retailers can relax!

Of course I whipped those decorations down, poured myself a cocktail and pondered the whole calendar conundrum.

You see for the last 2 years my life has been portioned off into 6 month-ish blocks; not intentionally …but I got to thinking about that…and why…and also where I now find myself and how I really would like to acknowledge the journey. And yes I know that is a really hackneyed word but I have literally flown around the world to get to where I am and yes I might’ve been to hell and back in a hand basket but for the first time in a long time I’ve been in one place for more than 90 days!

So thanks to ye olde Pope Greg the Xlll for the calendar, we did your whole New Year’s eve stuff but I think I’ll just get me my own Marsupial calendar for a bit. And according to that there are in fact 72 days until my Whole... New… Year draws to a close.
And what a year it has been.
I need to not forget the finer points.

When I started this post it was still 11/1/11, yet another spesh-ul date. Noted.

Sunday 160 - giving new meaning to a new year

2011-01-02T23:50:00.001Z

Resolutions

are fine but are often motivated by wishful thinking.

As such, they can become noise in our heads.

Intentions

are unfathomably powerful and uplifting!

Monkey Man hosts the 160 Character Challenge.

the first of the first of the two thousand and eleventh

2011-01-01T04:11:00.001Z

"We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives… not looking for flaws, but for potential."

~ Ellen Goodman

the last day of this year....

2010-12-31T17:22:00.005Z

It's that time of the year that we should all take time to sit quietly somewhere and reflect on that all important question -

Do I have enough ice????

Happy 2011 to you all!

auspicious dates

2010-10-10T21:59:00.002+01:00

I know we have one of these days every year but this day in this year just seems to be more resonant than others....for me that is.
It is the sum of all the preceeding days since I last put finger to font.
It is a noteworthy date; an auspicious one.

Oh hell...I need to remind myself just what the hell auspicious means. Do you find yourself doing that? Using words all the time without acknowledging their actual meaning..

aw-spish-uhs
adjective
1. promising success; propitious; opportune; favourable
2. favoured by fortune; prosperous; fortunate
usage
the use of auspicious to mean 'very special' (as in this auspicious occasion) should be avoided

Ah...so my usage is erroneous.
Agh ...what the hell

very spesh-uhl date...noted

...clearing the decks...

2010-09-18T00:55:00.002+01:00

"sometimes the greatest gain in productive energy will come from cleaning the cobwebs, dealing with old business, and clearing the decks."

david allen

The Long Way Down...

2009-11-06T14:33:00.012Z

So where was I.....

Oh yes, packing my suitcase once again! Time for this bird to fly south again but thank goodness I relented and packed a jersey because the weather is doing a fabulous impersonation of the middle section of winter!

I must say for long haul trips this one was just that - a very long haul. But the flip side of that coin was that i got to see some different places; places I haven't seen for a while. I flew off my little island early in the morning and headed off to the mainland.

The red roofs of Lisbon....

This is the second time I've spent time in Lisbon and I'm not convinced that the folk there have grasped the concept of being friendly.

But the upside of the time I had there was that I found a fantastic little guesthouse run by foreigners = friendly and welcoming. I really am going to have to learn Portuguese though if for no other reason than to foil those tricky taxi drivers!

Then it was off to the airport again and flying north for a few hours found me landing in Frankfurt - it's been a while since I visited there (not that this was anything more than a transit!)

The great thing about this stage of the journey was that I no longer had to worry about my luggage! The joys of computer codes and tags.....and faith in the system! I had been warned that I would have to change terminals which didn't really worry me as that pretty much goes ahnd in hand with travel these days. Be warned though...changing terminals here means making sure you have sensible shoes and hoping like hell the travelators are working!! It does also help following someone who knows the airport. Suffice to say the new (to me) terminal is quite impressive!

Even more impresive is having empty seats next to one and a really friendly flight crew.

The further south we headed to more it began to feel like home turf. I woke early - just before dawn and the view from high above the clouds was awesome. Below the clouds was the desert and I could see from the amazing lightning show that it was storming down there. In my mind I could smell the rain; the African rain.

And then the sun came up.
Soon thereafter we landed in Namibia.

This is abolutely a visit that is on my bucket list! But for now I bid my fellow travellers farewell and watched them depart into the desert while I awaited my next flight; my final flight.
Travelling next to me was a chap who had never been to Cape Town and in front of me two youngsters experiencing their first flight.

" Ladies & Gentlemen , this is your Captain speaking. For some unknown reason the flight tower have asked us to stay in a holding pattern above Robben Island until further notice"

And there she was...the Mother City and that majestic mountain and the most magnificent day.

I felt proud to be 'home'

Keeping it Simple this Sunday

2009-10-25T21:19:00.007Z

I bumped into these words a few weeks ago.

They were used in context within the body of an e mail from an old school friend.

Their simplicity took my breath away as I read them and they've passed through my mind often since then. I thought I would share them.
Of course before one shares words one needs to find out where they come from;
find out who we need to thank.

We have Mizuta Masahide to thank.
He was a samurai who studied under the poet Basho. In 1688 Masahide’s house was burnt down, prompting him to write this now famous haiku.

Barn's burnt down --
now
I can see the moon.

That’s my offering for today.

Quotable Sunday is brought to you by

A Daily Dose of Toni.

Happy Hour Friday

2009-10-23T22:31:00.009+01:00

Otin and RxBambi host this little gem each week, go check them out! So the idea is to list some things that make you happy, and then have a fun weekend!

I’m happy that the luncheon I prepared for guests today had them licking their plates

I’m happy that the builders helped themselves to all the apples and saved me the trouble of trying my hand at wine making. Hey, there’s always next season’s crop!

I’m happy that I have 10 rose cuttings that have new shoots! Ten!! That is a rose garden. Okay so I’m not happy about it….I’m ECSTATIC!

I’m happy that I’ll soon be spending real time with dear friends back in Cape Town.

I’m happy that I’m getting happier by the day

Things I Want Thursday

2009-10-15T08:27:00.003+01:00

"Things I Want Thursday" was started by Sass at Are You Sassified?. I forget how I happened upon her writing but I'm glad I did. I'm sure she knows how long I "lurked" there before finding the courage to comment.
I'm really not sure how all this button grabbing works; I'm sure one day I'll look back and laugh! In the meantime apologies for any inadvertant groping!
Scope is having a contest to get others to join in the Sass fun so here goes.....

I want a cup of coffee RIGHT now
I want that damned pesky dog next door to stop barking
I want to learn to speak Portuguese
I want to reconnect with old friends that I've neglected
I want to pick all the apples I have growing here and have a go at making apple wine
I want to remember to smile at regular intervals through the day
I want all my little rose cuttings to sprout
I want to try my hand at making fresh pasta
I want to be able to live in one place for more than 6 months or 90 days at a time
I want to be kinder to myself

Methinks that's more than enough for one week!

Happy Thursday y'all!

Quotable Sunday

2009-10-11T20:11:00.005+01:00

So today is Quotable Sunday over at "A Daily Dose of Toni"
and the quest is to post quotable quotes about
Passion.

This word lies close to my heart.
And not just for the most obvious reasons; but nonetheless close.
And close I shall keep it and treasure it.... cos it's all mine!

"There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living."
Nelson Mandela

"My fault, my failure, is not in the passions I have, but in my lack of control of them."
Jack Kerouac

said another way...

Keeping passion at bay or surrendering blindly to it -
which of these two attitudes is the least the destructive?

I don't know."
Paulo Coelho

Happy {passionate} Sunday y'all!!

Fidelity

2009-10-07T17:59:00.002+01:00

To whom it may concern...

2009-10-07T14:17:00.011+01:00

I want you to know that I love you.

I never stopped, not for one demanding moment and it will never end.
Even in your darkest moments you’ve known that you could always rely on my love.

It is what it is.
I am what I am.
I do what I do.
You know this is true. You know me better than anyone. And I mean anyone.

I also know that the Universe brings people together.
Look at how we met! Love at first site isn’t a fairytale.
We’ve experienced its reality; felt it working at first hand, seen the connection. We've known what communicating without words feels like; even when we were miles apart.
Yet now…. must I believe that it doesn’t mean a thing?
It's hard to fathom how two people who once cared for each other so powerfully - who looked out for each other's best interests and shared a common dream of growing old together - can find themselves on opposite sides of what feels like a chasm; when before their journeying through life was like the treasure hunt for perfectly fitting jigsaw pieces.

And when I say perfect I do not mean easy or unchallenging. I mean warts and all!

Yet still you walked away. Was finding the perfectly fitting jigsaw piece for this part of our puzzle just too much of a challenge?
How then, the cynics will ask, how can what you had mean a thing?

I know there are some things a person can’t change.
I know there are some situations where apologies hold no meaning.
For that the Universe gives us the choice to Forgive.

Or not.

I have to live with your choices; my choices.
But know this.....
I never doubted us making it through this huge adventure.
I’ve never stopped thinking about you; never stopped needing to share my day with you. All those little snippets that I instinctively want to tell you about ... only to be pulled up short by the knowledge that all that will greet me is a cold wall of silence and indifference.
Ignoring this knowledge; hoping against hope and trying to get through.

(Beep)...sorry I can't take your call right now...leave your name and number and I'll get back to you as soon as I can...(Beep)

I never once considered letting go of you.
What I must now accept is the fact that I was let go of long ago because you ask me to believe you have done your mourning.
Done.
Mourning for something that I believed was still alive; albeit at times kicking.

I really wish you had told me; told me that I was on probation and that the slightest mistake, the next step out of line, would have me being dropped into that bottomless box of yours.
Done!

So now what? Do I simply attach a whole collection of “everything happens for a reason” labels to the sealed top and sides of my bottomless box just to make sense of it all?
Well it doesn’t make sense because I don’t believe that love just dies. It can falter and wilt because we forget how to replenish its core. It can become clouded in stubbornness and be blinded by assumptions, mistakes and inappropriate behaviour. But I don’t believe it dies.
Dead.
Gone.

Sometimes there is nothing one can say.
Speechless
Sometimes one should just say nothing.
Silent

I have never been that kind of person.
Ever.
You always knew that; knew it from the moment you set eyes on me.
You know that to be true. You’ve even relied on just that.
Just as I have always relied on you to look me in the eyes and tell me its okay; to hold me tight and make me feel safe. Today, tomorrow, the next day, forever…we knew it would be alright. We had each other. Even though you said kokeid and I said cock-eyed... we got the gist of each other!
I knew that.
Or did I just mistakenly assume that?

It’s not the hurt that is so hard for me right now; the fact that I never left a little “Happy” space for disappointment.
It’s gone deeper than that.
It’s the fact that I DID believe every word you said.

Every opinion you had. Every promise you made.
Every. Word. You. Ever. Said.
I never doubted you; never entertained the possibility of you turning your back on me and walking away; giving up on us without a fight; giving up on me without a word.

Not until now.

I now truly understand what being as small and as insignificant as humanly possible feels like. And how it can actually ache in places I didn’t know I had inside me. I go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what I could have differently.
Wonder what instinct I can now trust if I was so wrong about you; so wrong about the last six years.
Wonder why the ONLY contact from me that you have responded to in an entire year has only been that from my ugly dark side; the dark side that lashes out.
Wonder if this is all you responded to because it suited your purpose.
Wonder if this is all you will remember me for.

I want to be impossible to forget.
I want you to be able to summon me back to your mind even though countless years and miles will soon stand between us.
I want you to be able to see my face, hear my voice and speak to me in your heart.
I want to have the kind of impact on someone whereby they know they’ll never find anyone else who could ever take my place.

Because that’s what you are to me.
...like the Mountains and the Sea

Reflections in the Rear View Mirror

2009-09-12T18:54:00.007+01:00

Seventeen hours ago a friend of mine updated his status on Facebook as follows:

"............is sad, chatsworth Metrolink accident was one year ago tomorrow. It was one year ago today I last talked to my brother Mike"

So that would make it a year ago today that Mike died. I remember it well. The day.

What a difference a year makes.
I have pondered that a lot of late.

A year ago today I was in my house in Muleshoe, Texas

The freezer was filled with meals for one - enough for 3 months.
Meals all cooked with love.
By me.
Bobotie; Chicken Curry. Cottage Pie. Macaroni Cheese. Lasagne. Hand made Ice cream.
Done.
As I hit the start button on the dishwasher I knew it was time.
Time to face the fact that I could no longer put off packing my suitcase.
But I would be back. In 3 months. Surely.

A year later the memory of this still makes me cry.
And then I think of my friend losing a brother and my tears dissipate like bathwater down a drain.

I reluctantly said my goodbyes to the Lone Star State. Promised my newly acquired friends that I would be back and set off for Amarillo Airport in my beloved little Jeep; with my beloved Cowboy.
The flight to LA took us via Denver, CO – one of the prettiest airports I’ve transited through of late.

And there have been quite a few.

My brother collected us from LAX and on the way to his home where we were to spend the weekend, he told us about the horrific Metrolink accident and how the housemate of one of his employees had lost a brother.

The grimness of the event was acknowledged and then my focus shifted back to what lay ahead of me.

In physical terms it was to be an insufferable journey – a flight from LA to London and a 12 hour wait there before boarding another long haul flight to Cape Town

In emotional terms my heart was being ripped apart as my Cowboy was to return to Texas to work out the remainder of his contract - a contract for which he had a work visa; a visa which we had applied to extend for another year.

My visa might have a fabulous validity of 10 years but it only allowed me to remain in the US for 6 months at a time.
And of course at no time whatso~~fucking~~ever could I even consider employment of any kind! Not even voluntary work!!
breath in breath out…find a pressure point to slow the heart rate
Suffice to say that by the end of my 6 month visitation period I ~~was~~ am an expert on the ins and outs of US Visas.

I tend to digress when the word Visa comes up!

It didn’t help that I nearly missed my flight out of LA – actually it probably did as it precluded me from having time for sharing anything more than a perfunctory hug and goodbye kiss with the Cowboy, and the need to R.U.N to the departure gate quelled any tears.

And so, as I R.A.N through the concourse of terminal 6 little did I know that that departure would signify the beginning of a year long losing battle to get back to my Cowboy.

It has been a journey that some have labeled an adventure, exciting; others have called me a lucky Possum. But as I sit here trying to deflate the balloon of ~~grief~~ ~~frustration~~ ~~anger~~ pressure that is threatening to burst in my chest I ponder about the different journeys life takes us all on.

Parallel journeys.

More significantly though I’ve pondered all those whose paths have crossed my journey.
and with that thought the balloon deflates

Yes, I had forgotten about that tragic train crash.
But until a short while ago I never knew that this friend of mine – a friend whose path only crossed mine in May - had lost his brother.
Or that the crash and the loss were the cause and effect.

I must say it puts things in perspective.

R.I.P Mike

The NOW...

2009-09-09T20:20:00.003+01:00

YOUR JOURNEY HAS MOLDED

YOU FOR YOUR GREATER GOOD,

AND IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT IT NEEDED TO BE.

DON'T THINK THAT YOU'VE LOST TIME.

IT TOOK EACH AND EVERY

SITUATION YOU HAVE ENCOUNTERED

TO BRING YOU TO THE NOW.

AND NOW IS RIGHT ON TIME.

-ASHA TYSON-

Neither a Lenter nor a Borrower be

2009-03-21T22:36:00.002Z

You know how there's some stuff in life that we all just 'Know'?

Yet we don’t really know why?
It’s like we know that February follows January; that happiness follows heartbreak. I'm sure someone out there knows exactly why that is but for the rest of us it just is.
In a way I guess that’s why board games like Trivial Pursuit and TV shows like the Leakest Wink are so popular. That reminds me: A good friend of mine was once a contestant. How exciting is it to actually know someone on the show!! She did very well; should actually have won!
Come to think of it, it would also have been nice if that other individual who I thought was my friend hadn’t “permanently borrowed” my Trivial Pursuit….Hrrrmph!!

ANYway, the other day whilst out shopping in the city I noticed there were a lot of strangely dressed children; strange as in “fancy dress”.

Being a relative newcomer to life on this little island I just assumed that there was some fiesta being celebrated in the vicinity. On returning to the village I popped into the local spot for a coffee - it’s de rigueur to go there every day. It’s like “Cheers” – everybody there knows your name along with everybody else’s business. It was there that I found out that we were actually in the midst of “Carnival” ergo the fancy dressed folk I’d seen.
Ah.
But…hold the phone…isn’t that what happens in Rio?
No.
Yes. But not only there, I discover.

In fact there are two Carnival parades on the island, which are very different from each other. The most important one takes place always on the Saturday of the Carnival weekend. It’s the more sophisticated one with thousands of participants in magnificent and colourful costumes dancing through the streets, spreading an ambiance evoking the Carnival of Rio. This is always followed by the more relaxed and fun ‘peoples’ parade, whereby locals and tourists can dress up in anything they want and show off their creations to the public in a more ‘party’ and less formal atmosphere.
Ah.
So now I know exactly why folk were in their fancy dress.

I also know exactly why my home made tomato sauce tastes like I was taught to cook by an Italian grandmother! And I aint telling! And she wasn’t Italian!
ANYway, there I was busy preparing a pot of said scrumptious sauce; one ear tuned into SKY news, the other eagerly awaiting the Postman who should be arriving bearing the fruits of an online purchasing expedition – n’other whole story there; n’other day.
But then I hear some news that brings my onion paring to an abrupt halt. According to SKY it seems the Pope has had an epiphany. His bright spark suggestion is that the youth of today should give up Mobile phone texting.
For a bit.
For Lent in fact.
Sweet Mother on a pogo stick!! What next!!
Clearly the world wide economic recession has not touched base in The Vatican.

Does the dude not realize what financial ramifications would be stirred up if texting was put on pause?
Does he not get the power of the thumb on a keypad?

But that got me thinking about Lent.
I’ve always religiously missed the beginning of Lent. The first I know of it is through other people.
Possum - “Have a chocolate?”
Lentil 1 - “No thanks; I’ve given it up for Lent.”

Possum - “Let’s go out and have a glass of wine”
Lentil 2 - “Aw I can’t; I’ve given up alcohol for Lent.”

I’ve always known about Lent; that it’s a Christian festival; a forty-day period before Easter when people give up rich foods.
Rich food Mr Pope; not mobile phone texting!
But why is it that it’s always other people who know exactly when it happens?
Yes I know I could text the Pope and ask him for the date once Christmas festivities are over, of course. And I know I could be less of a heathen and go to Church more regularly, but thats another whole kettle of fish.
What I have learned though is that if I lived in the UK I would definitely be forewarned of the onset of Lent. There, Shrove Tuesday (the day before Lent) is also known as Pancake Day (or Pancake Tuesday to some people) and it is the one day of the year when almost everyone eats a pancake.

Hey!
That works for me! And I’m not going to even think to ask “why pancakes? Why not choclate cake?”

But get this!
In the Latin countries this Tuesday is the last day of carnival.

Mental light bulb starts to flicker

The French call this Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras

Omigod! M.A.R.D.I. G.R.A.S

Now THAT I never knew. I never knew that Lent and Mardi Gras were so intricately relevant to one another.

So that’s why there are Carnivals all over the world and not just in Rio. And that’s exactly why the children were wearing fancy dress that day, that Tuesday. It wasn’t just the People’s Parade! It was Fat Tuesday, Pancake Day without the pancakes, dammit!

And I would never have found this out had the Pope not suggested giving up texting.

Just don’t get me started on his latest suggestion regarding condom use!

Come to think of it. It might not be such a bad idea introducing non-rich-food items into the abstinence list. Things like swearing or being disparaging, biting ones toe nails or wearing ugly shoes, actually going to gym or recycling the trash. Just think, whilst quaffing a glass of wine or nibbling on a chocolate we could be feeling perfectly penitent and maybe, just maybe at the end of those 40 days the new behaviour pattern might be so deeply entrenched that it would have become a habit! Now there's an epiphany for you!

Caffè Americano for me please; sans sugar, I’m sweet enough.

The Days of our Lives

2009-03-01T12:31:00.000Z

The other day was the perfect day for catching up on my reading; it rained ALL day.
In fact at one stage I was forced to acknowledge that what I thought was going to be a drop or two was actually going to be a deluge. It was this particular stage that had me throwing my persona into an old sweatshirt and my feet into flip flops; thereafter rushing around outside doing an award winning impersonation of a mother hen - or would that be an im-hen-ation?
ANYway my precious newly shooting rose cuttings were on the point of drowning and needed saving!

(memo to self - refrain from uttering "my precious" in that newly found husky voice; short little men wearing funny looking rings might come to take you away)

Okay, so once I'd gotten the little ones under cover and myself into a fluffy towel I popped over to see what mushypeas was serving up - well it was more like Spuds on toast; brilliant!

It did touch a chord.

You see, a coupla weeks ago I was prowling around looking for an old school mate whose path I'm hoping to cross later this year when I set off on a particular road trip. Natch the first port of call when looking for an old school mate is that wonderful social search engine we fondly abbreviate to FB.
Bingo! there she was!
Double Bingo! there was the link- umbilical cord - to the FB page set up in honour of the School we'd both attended. A long time ago.
Cha-ching! Jackpot! Photographs!! Lots of them.
Luckily I was never swift enough off the starting blocks to have qualified for any of those Team Photo shoots but I made sure my friends were all fleet of foot. And there they were; just as I remembered them.
(the chords of John Denver's "Country Roads" are starting to run through my brain like a backing track)
Not only that, FB has that sneaky little option called "view friends".

A true Pandora's Box moment preceded my reaching for my mouse.
But then, just like that, with one click of said mouse, my sound track squealed to a halt with that needle-scratching-on-vinyl sound made famous by Ally McBeal.
Bugger! Why are those little pictures SO well...little?
Reach for spectacles.
Bit better.
Some are immediately recognizable others not. In fact it would really help if the girls had included the "nee" part of their sur-names and the boys had refrained from growing facial hair and/or balding.
Most folk have fairly clear mental pictures and up-to-date memories of their high school buddies. Heck, some still invite each other to dinner parties! I am not ‘most folk’ however; never have been. For one thing I was moved to another country during The Early Years and never had the privilege of becoming a school leaver - well not of that particular school! Hence my memories of this particular stage of my life had remained in a holding pattern; one that precluded me from knowing who had gone where, when, with whom and how.

But here we all are. Again. Scattered all over the world yet touching base. Giving new meaning to being on the same page.
So yes, times have changed. Catching up on reading these days can have one turning the pages or clicking on links. But how pleasing that the most up-to-date methods can have us pondering our early memories; our roots.
To remember. To be remembered.
Glory Days!
Hit pause button for warm fuzzy feelings and cue in soundtrack

The Bold and the Beautiful

2009-02-19T00:36:00.000Z

A little while ago I was out with the Dusty Muffin and her Mum and we ended up having a very late night. The events that transpired in those late/early hours reminded me of an event that transpired quite a while ago when I was heading home – also a tad later than I had planned to.

I’d been out at the theatre rehearsing for a play that was nearing opening night – hence the lateness. As I turned into my road I had one of those “Oh no, why does this have to happen to me” moments.
Why?
Because there in front of me was of a chap battling to push-start a car of dubious make. Naturally I made the immediate assumption it was due to a flat battery and that I was going to be asked if I had jumper leads.
I have a confession to make; I never admit to having jumper leads. Don’t ask me why. Suffice to say they are way up there with hair brushes and toothbrushes – things you have but don’t lend out.
Anyway, back to my dilemma. Do I do the civil thing and offer assistance or do I head for my front door given the lateness of the hour?
I choose the latter.
I am doing well in my “out of character” choice and am heading towards my front door about to insert the key. Just before I pass the point of no return I glance back.
I cannot help myself. I have to see how they are progressing.
A glance was all it took for my conscience to kick in – visions of karmic backlash involving me, a deserted country road and a flat battery are running vividly through my brain!

“Do you need any help? I ask
“No it’s okay lady” car pusher says. Well dressed car pusher I note to self.
“Okay goodnight then” I COULD have said but of course I didn’t.
“Flat battery?” I persevered
“No, I think it’s the starter motor but really, it’s okay lady”

Again I could have left the scene and gone with Plan A but no, I go straight to Plan Q; the one where I proceed to step TOWARDS the rear of the veehickle.
On my marks, get set, go!
Very soon we were hurtling down the road at a speed good enough to ignite the spark plugs, battery and starter motor collectively; if only the “driver” would let the clutch out!
“Okay let it out now!!” I urged
There was no letting it out. What’s more we really needed to take advantage of our speed because ahead of us was a slight uphill!
“Make sure it’s in second gear then let the clutch out” I instructed through gritted teeth
”NOW!” I yelled as I let go and slowed to catch my breath
Nada. Nothing. And lo and behold gravity kicked in and the car slowed to a stop.
I stagger up to the driver’s window to ascertain what the problem could possibly be. While I am repeating my foolproof method with minute detail of what to do with the accelerator and brake after letting out the clutch, a few things assail my now irritated senses all at once:
~ the aroma of alcohol from the drivers seat
~ the now apparent youth of aforementioned well dressed car pusher
~ the fact that it is not winter yet the “driver” has the cuffs of his long sleeve t shirt pulled over his hands as though they are cold
~ the fact that there are no interior lights showing on the dashboard

And then the driver opened the car door, got out and suggested that I do the “driving” while they pushed.
That’s when I had my moment of clarity.

You see there was a time; back in the day, when at 5.30pm on weekdays I would be no place other than sprawled on my couch, eyes glued to the TV, soaking up my daily soapie. And every day, just before the nail biting ending, my neighbour would arrive home and park outside my lounge window. I never saw the neighbour/car because there was an 8’ high 3’ wide hedge between us. How was I aware of his arrival you might ask? Well he, his car, had a dodgy silencer - or maybe I had a dodgy television – probably a combination of both. Whichever it was my picture warbled until such time as he managed to get his car to turn off. Furthermore he had an even dodgier car door that sounded as though it was about to drop off its hinges as he opened it, got out and then slammed it. Every day. Roll credits.

Hence my moment.
There I was standing next to what HAD to be the same aforementioned veehickle because no two car doors could make that same falling-off-hinges sound.
And in my moment I realized not only was grand theft auto in progress, I was aiding and abetting!
So what to do became my dilemma.
Well, the actress in me kicked in. Hands were thrown up in exaggerated irritation and ends of tethers were reached. Car thieves were told that I was now tired and was going home; which I did.
Clearly neighbour was alerted; chase was given, apprehensions were made, police eventually arrived, statements were made.

“Hallo everyone. My name is Possum and I was a soapie addict”

the first blank page

2008-12-03T14:42:00.001Z

hallo world