I want you to know that I love you.
I never stopped, not for one demanding moment and it will never end.
Even in your darkest moments you’ve known that you could always rely on my love.
It is what it is.
I am what I am.
I do what I do.
You know this is true. You know me better than anyone. And I mean anyone.
I also know that the Universe brings people together.
Look at how we met! Love at first site isn’t a fairytale.
We’ve experienced its reality; felt it working at first hand, seen the connection. We've known what communicating without words feels like; even when we were miles apart.
Yet now…. must I believe that it doesn’t mean a thing?
It's hard to fathom how two people who once cared for each other so powerfully - who looked out for each other's best interests and shared a common dream of growing old together - can find themselves on opposite sides of what feels like a chasm; when before their journeying through life was like the treasure hunt for perfectly fitting jigsaw pieces.
And when I say perfect I do not mean easy or unchallenging. I mean warts and all!
Yet still you walked away. Was finding the perfectly fitting jigsaw piece for this part of our puzzle just too much of a challenge?
How then, the cynics will ask, how can what you had mean a thing?
I know there are some things a person can’t change.
I know there are some situations where apologies hold no meaning.
For that the Universe gives us the choice to Forgive.
I have to live with your choices; my choices.
But know this.....
I never doubted us making it through this huge adventure.
I’ve never stopped thinking about you; never stopped needing to share my day with you. All those little snippets that I instinctively want to tell you about ... only to be pulled up short by the knowledge that all that will greet me is a cold wall of silence and indifference.
Ignoring this knowledge; hoping against hope and trying to get through.
(Beep)...sorry I can't take your call right now...leave your name and number and I'll get back to you as soon as I can...(Beep)
I never once considered letting go of you.
What I must now accept is the fact that I was let go of long ago because you ask me to believe you have done your mourning.
Mourning for something that I believed was still alive; albeit at times kicking.
I really wish you had told me; told me that I was on probation and that the slightest mistake, the next step out of line, would have me being dropped into that bottomless box of yours.
So now what? Do I simply attach a whole collection of “everything happens for a reason” labels to the sealed top and sides of my bottomless box just to make sense of it all?
Well it doesn’t make sense because I don’t believe that love just dies. It can falter and wilt because we forget how to replenish its core. It can become clouded in stubbornness and be blinded by assumptions, mistakes and inappropriate behaviour. But I don’t believe it dies.
Sometimes there is nothing one can say.
Sometimes one should just say nothing.
I have never been that kind of person.
You always knew that; knew it from the moment you set eyes on me.
You know that to be true. You’ve even relied on just that.
Just as I have always relied on you to look me in the eyes and tell me its okay; to hold me tight and make me feel safe. Today, tomorrow, the next day, forever…we knew it would be alright. We had each other. Even though you said kokeid and I said cock-eyed... we got the gist of each other!
I knew that.
Or did I just mistakenly assume that?
It’s not the hurt that is so hard for me right now; the fact that I never left a little “Happy” space for disappointment.
It’s gone deeper than that.
It’s the fact that I DID believe every word you said.
Every opinion you had. Every promise you made.
Every. Word. You. Ever. Said.
I never doubted you; never entertained the possibility of you turning your back on me and walking away; giving up on us without a fight; giving up on me without a word.
Not until now.
I now truly understand what being as small and as insignificant as humanly possible feels like. And how it can actually ache in places I didn’t know I had inside me. I go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what I could have differently.
Wonder what instinct I can now trust if I was so wrong about you; so wrong about the last six years.
Wonder why the ONLY contact from me that you have responded to in an entire year has only been that from my ugly dark side; the dark side that lashes out.
Wonder if this is all you responded to because it suited your purpose.
Wonder if this is all you will remember me for.
I want to be impossible to forget.
I want you to be able to summon me back to your mind even though countless years and miles will soon stand between us.
I want you to be able to see my face, hear my voice and speak to me in your heart.
I want to have the kind of impact on someone whereby they know they’ll never find anyone else who could ever take my place.
Because that’s what you are to me.
...like the Mountains and the Sea
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