Empathy, Forgiveness and Gratitude ...then you can eat, pray and love!

You can’t touch it but it affects how you feel.

You can’t see it, but its there when you look in the mirror.

You can’t hear it but it’s there every time you talk about your self.

What is this important yet mysterious thing?

es·teem: to regard highly; with respect or admiration; a favorable opinion or judgment.

There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that when it came to this letter of my alphabet it was going to be this word. But it soon became apparent that I was choking on it.

(Shit...at this rate if I’ll be lucky if I get to Z by Christmas!!)
But finally...FINALLY...the Universe stepped in - as she always does when you ask her to...when you sit quietly and percolate your thoughts...mentally meander...when you listen and when you pay attention!! And I did.

 Best you get comfortable.

 Why is it that we always hold others in higher esteem than we hold ourselves? And why is it that this beautiful word is so often associated with pain and doubt and negativity?

Psychologists say that almost every aspect of our lives - our personal happiness, success, relationships, creativity, dependencies, actions, reactions, economic status, apathy, criminal behavior, harmful and defensive behaviors, etc - all of this revolves around one core characteristic: our precious self-esteem.

And I agree!

In the deepest part of ourselves we carry an image of who we are as a person and how worthy we feel in relation to others. Compare it to an oil painting; one that has layer upon layer of paint. Layers of colors; of light and shade. Layers that have been applied since our birth. Each time some one says or does something to us another layer goes on. All of this starts at a young vulnerable impressionable age and we just continue adding layer upon layer to our canvas. Other people’s paintings are always prettier and more colorful aren’t they? The grass is always greener on the other side. Like I said, more often than not we undervalue and devalue ourselves. Consistently and constantly. I know I have.

 “If you put a small value on yourself,

rest assured that the world will not raise your price.”

~Unknown Author

I LOVE the way a child can be wherever he or she is and let it all hang out and not give a shit! This epitomizes the true essence of living in the moment; of being oneself. Nothing is holding them back from being who they are meant to be.
I DESPISE how that joie de vivre can be squashed flat with cruelty. A single word, a thoughtless gesture or worse, nothing at all, can cut one to ones core.
And think how we all shrug our shoulders at the innocence of childhood and think/say/wish ..”yeah, but you just wait til life arrives and shows you its not all fun and games” (or something to that effect).
BULLSHIT!!
PEOPLE arrive!
Children do not have the emotional vocabulary to process the messages they get from screwed up adults.
And why are we screwed up?
Either someone says or does something to the child that makes him think that he is wrong and the other person MUST be right. Must be right because they are parents, teachers, friends …or significant others.
Or someone says or does something innocently and this is misinterpreted by the child.
Worse still, a person is not present in that child’s life; or they are but don’t show up!

Regardless of what it might have been the child comes to the same conclusion...there is something wrong with them...with me.

From that point onward they start to scan the world for these things; this is now the filter they pass information through; the tinted glasses through which they process or look at the world and doing this they will always find what they are looking for to justify their new self image, the world will tell them they are flawed in some significant way and Voila! a new self fulfilling prophecy is born. Our belief system absorbs it, we move forward with it and recreate it all the time so we end up being adults who carry around self-doubts that limit our potential.

That is why we are screwed up.

That is why people justify themselves saying “That’s just the way I am...That’s just who I am...take it or leave it” (always accompanied with that shrug of the shoulders!!)

I realize now I’ve always gotten stuck where the gurus say things like ...”this is where a choice needs to be made Possum: you can either let those self-doubts control your actions, or you can work through them by improving the things you can change and accepting those you can't. Only then can you start working on the most important relationship you'll ever have: the relationship with yourself.”

This accepting crap did not sit well with me. I wanted to know why...how!! I have lost track of the amount of shelf help I have absorbed over the years but there really does come a time in your life when you say (bloody well) enough!

And then a light came on.
Knowing all the information;having all the answers. That alone cannot enhance our self esteem.
One can get a "How to" ride a bike book out of the library and learn how to ride a bike. Shit, you can get TEN “How to” books all telling you the same thing. But to really learn to ride a bike you have to “get” on the bike and wobble and maybe even fall to finally “get” the distinction of the concept of reading how and feeling how; of feeling what that balance is. You have to apply the facts to your life to “get” them. That is what this whole choice thing is about. You not only have to choose new behaviors, you have to to make the decision to hold yourself up to a new possibility. You have to ask yourself: “do I stay on the old path and keep the dysfunction or do I try something different and stop the spiral of self sabotage?”
You have to declare them first and then step into them. Declare that you want to be known for these qualities ...and then step into them. I guess it’s a bit like declaring you are going to get fit and then stepping into the new behaviour of an exercise regime. I believe if we shift the pictures that we hold in our mind we can change our reality; change the colors of our canvas; strip off the old useless layers and add our own new layers.
But we need to pick up the paintbrush and mix the colors to “get” the distinction!

I guess I’m fortunate in that I have had the time and circumstances to ponder all of this and make the choice to look inwards for answers; make the choice to sit still and think for a bit when an upset has happened; when health issues have made me take pause. I’ve realized that whatever’s been going on no longer works for me; it might actually have created actual dis-ease. I’ve worked out that when the upset happens it is a microcosm of the initial upset that hurt the little girl in me. I don't think we need to remember what the actual initial upset was because we know what it feels like; we’ve reproduced it all our lives!

I also get the concept that we have an emotional reactive form of listening. We don't just hear with our ears, we hear with our emotions. If it’s not going to be happy then it’s going to be either angry or sad or afraid. And then we will respond with anger, sadness or fear. For example, indignant anger...the “how dare you!” reactions...or the “oh woe is me” reactions...or those dreadful fearful reactions. This is how we head the hurt off at the pass to protect ourselves. The majority of us have lived out of any of these emotional responses for years and years. I know I have.

But guess what? If we reinterpret the upset we get to reinvent ourselves. This is the penny that I had to get to drop. If we simply make up something else other than the indignant anger or the fear or the sadness, if we simply replace it we will get a different result.

Hah...simply!

But seriously I have pondered this and it is that simple. Our emotional response is the big red flag. When I was able to identify my trigger I literally reinvented the situation that had caused it but attached no emotional status to it.
Next time someone cuts you off in traffic see what mood that triggers!
But take a moment and reinvent the situation. Instead of assuming the guy is an asshole who dared cut you off, do a mental 180 and assume maybe he got bad news and just did not see you or maybe he had a bad morning or ...whatever. We don't need to forgive the bad behavior we just don't need to let it ruin our day. We don't need to be addicted to the anger or sadness or fear anymore.

We all know people who are addicted to worrying. Right? No matter what is going on in their lives they need to have something to worry about. They scann and look for this and will always gravitate toward people and situations that will give them their fix. Just like I have clearly always gravitated towards people who will criticize me, reject me, abandon me, not love me. So when we know what runs us by identifying what our emotional reactions are we can heal our past hurts and that will raise our self esteem.

Or not.

We could just stay in an uncomfortable comfort zone because it’s what we know. Like new shoes...they can rub and pinch so instead of trying them on and walking in them we’ll stay with the old holed ones. And whine!

So when someone shrugs their shoulders and says that’s just the way they are my reaction will not be to jump in and try and save them from themselves or change them or god knows what else I have done in the past to gain their approval or acceptance or vent my frustration...no...I will recognize that they are being who they CHOOSE to be and regardless of who they choose to be I am responsible for who I am. I shall mind my own business! I shall however mind it with Empathy, like we did with the 'asshole' driver remember?

We act out of whatever images we hold in our minds remember, this gives us our fix; our ability to vent to dominate, to be fearful or sad. Being empathetic allows us to not step into that victim status. Being empathetic takes away the perceived assault. Putting yourself in the other person’s world doesn’t mean we will now condone bad behavior but it does mean that we will take a moment to think about what it feels like for them. Accept that they are not doing it TO us...they are just doing it. We don't always see the big picture ...like being in a row of dominoes. Empathy gives us the option of reacting to the world from the point of view that it is not actually always about us.
In fact it is rarely about us!

Did you know that depression can cause the brain to alter its chemistry? People can be addicted to sadness. It allows them to be victims...to never have to take responsibility. Assuming a victim status keeps us stuck; allows us to be right! You get that?

It. Allows. Us. To. Be. Right.

Yay! We finally get to be “right” about something when so often we have been told we are wrong. And being right feels good so we hang on to it for dear life! But all we are doing is keeping a chronic situation in place. Right? That lightbulb moment was a biggie for me.

After E comes F and after Empathy comes Forgiveness.

Hmm...I’ve alluded to how difficult this has been for me in other posts this is what I am working on. Daily!

Forgiveness starts with forgiving oneself for making mistakes; realizing we are not perfect. What do “they” always say: “we tend to hate in others what we hate in ourselves?” I can accept this but I also accept the fact that I can hate things in people that are nowhere near in me - Murder, infidelity, rape, and abuse to name the immediate few. Okay so let’s assume we can forgive ourselves yet still take responsibility for our actions; own them but not dwell and fester about them. Okay? Now we need to forgive others.

If forgiveness is about forgiving another for making the mistake and not about condoning the bad behavior; if it’s about saying I have a right to be angry but that I am not going to carry it around and vent all the time, then it works for me. This definition of forgiveness means that I can decide to be someone who is known for love instead of anger.

One can simply decide that that person made a mistake.

One can simply decide you are not going to look for revenge.

One can simply decide that the anger no longer serves you.

Forgiveness is the process of releasing it. The process of blessing that person. (okay I said I was working on it!!!) One does not have to agree with another person’s behavior or actions but you can simply decide that you are no longer going to be affected by it; you are going to move on. I do believe that when we release that emotion and are willing to move on and not let it dominate our lives with anger the loving relationships will follow. One can’t have anger in one’s heart and attract the things you want in your life at the same time. One has to be willing though, willing to move on, to let go of the juicy negative bits that have justified our very character; that have made us right. You have to be willing to step into and act on the declaration of who you have decided to be.

Finally Gratitude.

Why Gratitude? Because it is impossible to be angry and vindictive if you are grateful. Similarly, focusing on the negative does not allow us to be grateful. At all.
I am beyond grateful that I now live in a time and place that affords me the luxury of being able to focus on what is right about today; here and now and in the absolute moment. I am sure that this alone has led me into this dissertation very long post!

I think I got to do all of this backwards... from G to E.
I found myself in a good place so I started looking for more good and found it and the more I found the less importance the negative held for me; the more disruptive and exhausting the irritations and anger became. I think when we realize we have the ability to make more of the good on purpose, the ability to manifest the things we want, we then decide quite simply that we are going to look for the good ...because we say we are.
That is how we stop being apathetic, when we stop settling for less. The ultimate prerequisite for happiness and success is to elevate our self esteem so the sooner we start to believe in ourselves the sooner we will manifest a whole new reality!

That is when we get to design our whole new life on purpose.

That is really living deliberately.

Double d's

Do, or do not. There is no "try". - Yoda,
in the movie "The Empire Strikes Back"

• Don’t look back in anger.
• Do Live in the moment.
• Don’t forget to take the time to smell the roses.
• Do unto others as you would have them do unto you…seriously!
• Don’t drink and drive.
• Do your best…even especially when you think it wont matter.
• Don’t assume its always about you.
• Do something out of character once in a while; surprise yourself!
• Don’t forget to flush – literally and figuratively.
• Do yourself a favour by trusting your gut instinct.
• Don’t underestimate the wisdom of a child.
• Do a cryptic crossword and expand your logic.
• Don’t look a madman in  the eye.
• Do your daily chores and kegels at the same time.
• Don’t define yourself by stuff or even worse…money.
• Do physical exercise for your wellness.
• Don’t forget the difference between want and need.
• Do some things the old fashioned way.
• Don’t blame others for the consequences of the choices you make.
• Do what makes you proud and joyful.
• Don’t wear white high heels…ever.
• Do things for others anonymously.
• Don’t lie to yourself.
• Do rather than do nothing.

The versatility of C…see?

Gosh! Look what I found waiting for me over here!

I have seen this on my travels around the blogosphere so imagine my surprise!

Thank you Katherine …

Muito Obrigada, Merci beaucoup, Baai Dankie

Seize the day I say (actually I didn’t say it first but you know what I mean).

The weather has taken a turn for the worse; the thunder and lightning variety, so wrapping up with my laptop and catching up is called for.

Suffice it to say I have more than a bit of catching up to do on my climb up the alphabet ladder so methinks it will be a good idea to combine today’s letter …C…with the conditions attached to this nomination.

And this is what I have to do:

1. Thank and link to the person who nominated you.  P

2. Share seven random facts about yourself.
Okay… here goes…

• Cape Town… seems the right place to start this randomness; this is where I say I come from when asked. But it was not where my childhood was spent. I was born in Rhodesia now known as Zimbabwe and raised for 12 years on a farm just outside Bulawayo. At the age of 12 the family moved to the city of Salisbury now known as Harare. I was sweet 16 when the family packed up and flew to the latitude of 34 degrees south.

• Comedy theatre… a passion I left behind when I moved away from Cape Town. I was introduced to the world of amateur dramatics when a friend asked me to work backstage as a Prompt. I don’t know if a star was born but a love for theatre and things cultural certainly found its rightful place in my life and a hidden talent emerged. My favourite role? Playing ‘Olive’ in the female version of ‘The Odd Couple’ (the Jack Lemon part).

made with love and care by Moi!!

• Cooking… a passion I discovered in my new hometown. I think it proved the theory of time and place. I’d always been able to cook but hadn’t bothered much until the move away from Cape Town to join my newfound love (meh) included taking over a floundering restaurant. And thinking about “walking the boards” I think my restaurant became my own personal stage…service time was like curtain-up and the customers seemed to love it and the holiday makers returned time and again. The food wasn’t half bad either J These days I relish making Curry, folk go weak at the knees at the mention of my Chocolate Mousse and any catering I do will involve the creation of canapés!

• Calamari as in a calamari Cook-off competition! Did I mention the restaurant was floundering… as in no passing trade… no customers? Well, the promise of summer brought with it the “bare foot festival” of which the cook off was an event that all the hotel and restaurant chefs entered. Chefs! I decided to enter as a means of promoting the Café … just to participate mind you, not to compete… well, I walked away with first prize for my winning recipe as well as first prize for the design of the stand (I guess my set designing experience from the theatre really helped me here!!) and thus came into my own as a Restauranteur.

• Colonectomy. Colonoscopy. Colon cancer. Far too many damned C’s in there! I thought there could be nothing worse than a colonoscopy. I was wrong. Seriously, I cannot stress 2 hyphenated words enough …check-up… get one! Now! Two years of constant indigestion and the need for a medical clearance certificate forced me into the specialist’s rooms whereupon I had a gastroscopy – that is by far the worst procedure – after which it seemed rather cowardly to continue resisting the colonoscopy. It was nothing! A week later I was being wheeled into theatre and five hours later my colon was considerably shorter. And do I think about the years of resistance and how maybe the pain and suffering of this operation might have been avoided by having had the scopes? Hell yeah!

(mind you with an anaesthetist as cute as Mcdreamy it wasn't all bad!)

• Calheta is a municipality on the southwest coast of a Portuguese island. Ironically it is situated on the latitude of 34 degrees north (!!) and is where I now live! And if you stay on that latitude and keep going lto the eft it arrives in Los Angeles where my brother and his wife live; where I lived for a while. On its way there it more than likely also bisects that bloody crop circle in Texas where I lived existed stayed for 6 months. Moving here was not as easy as just getting on a flight and arriving.  Sure our family has been coming to the island for over a decade and we now own property here, but to stay longer than the standard 90 days required Police clearance, Medical clearance (!!) and copious letters of recommendation and motivation, all duly translated. And it didn’t stop there, getting that stamp in my passport just gave me permission to stay here long enough for my permanent residence application to be approved or denied. More pieces of paper! Clearly the Champagne flowed 3 months later when the approval came through.

• Curly hair. Naturally curly auburn hair to be precise! The bane of my mercilessly teased childhood but ultimately a blessing that set the adult me apart from the arbitrary!

Right… that’s 7 and hopefully suitably random… what next…

3. Pass the award along to 5 new-found blogging buddies.

Well I am sure all 5 have received this award time and time again but you know what? Bite me! The common denominator with this particular quintet is their collective way with words. Brilliant, witty, hilarious, inspiring - all entirely different; individuals.  

So without further ado here they are: Annabelle (I think we might have been separated at birth), Sunday (I have immense admiration for your endurance) (I also want your dog!!), Mommakiss (the new Fanny Flagg), Mynx (what can I say, you personify versatile!) and Semi True (yes I can relate!).

Now here’s the thing y’all, here’s another C word… CHOICE. You have the freedom to choose whatever you want to do with this bit of bling. You can do the 7 bits of randomness if you so desire… or not… this is more just my way of leaving a mark on your mantelpiece!

This has been fun.

Now ‘scuse me whilst I go pour myself a glass of Chardonnay and then...
4. Contact the winners to congratulate them. P

(that of course was HOURS ago when Blogger was in a coma!)

Be... just bee!

Today's B is for Boundaries.

Boundaries give definition to who a person is.

Ideally a person needs to know what and where their boundaries actually are and then be able to communicate them to others, right? Right.

In fact even Robert Burney thinks so. He says:

"It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate

directly, and honestly.

Learning how to set boundaries is

a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves.

It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves - 

to protect ourselves when it is necessary.

It is impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves without owning our self -  and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives."

I thought the dorkus and I were two people destined to be together but you know what got in the way? All of the above...

I dont mean to sound bitter but really, having lived the fairytale and having had it take me to hell and back in the proverbial handbasket, I'm just a tad hesitant when it comes to folk who are so called 'destined' to be together. Destiny just seemed to take too much damned hard work.

But let me not digress.

After finding my girl panties and climbing out of that hand-basket I made a decision. I decided that I wasn't going to feel that bad ever again. Ever.

And to achieve this nirvana I would have to walk my own talk. I have forgotten how many times I've uttered the words "The only way to change someone's behaviour is to change your own."

So I looked inwards instead of blamefully outwards.

I looked at all the men I have had relationships with; men whom I considered to be completely different from each other. Crapola!

From this new perspective they were all practically identical.

That would make me the common denominator then, right? So who was I?

Why was it that on one hand I could be really successful at so many things in my life, yet when it came to the most significant relationships I felt worthless? Oh don't get me wrong, it wasn't all doom and gloom with the dorkus, with the others, but I had to find out why this one had dissolved into a heap of nothing. I had to work out why, when it really mattered, why I had an almost inevitable inability to be able to speak my mind; my truth.

I had to work out why I have always been able to fight other people’s fights but not my own; why I could passively avoid conflict and yet be inwardly seething.
Clearly my continual tension, discomfort, irritation and anger were all clues to the fact that something was askew within my significant relationships…even the ‘destined’ ones!

So I picked up my spade and bucket and jumped into the sandpit of introspection and guess what I dug up? As far back as I could remember, right back to that little girl from way back when... especially when... then there was another common denominator that had shaped me...my lack of voice.

I wasn't just a shy child; I was a child who has been silenced from the inside out...seen and not heard. I was a child who was fearful of speaking out, speaking up...fear of consequences...lack of boundaries.

But what boundary developing skills does a child have? In most cases none. Our parents are there to filter and nurture these skills.  Having an overbearing, dominating father and a passive mother who jumped to his bidding, and still does, certainly did not help.

Okay it wasn’t all bad. I mean in my quest for approval I have run not one nor two but three successful businesses; I can get up on a stage and give award winning performances; I have many friends who love and adore me but heck, ask me to fill out a blog profile and I am speechless!

And just how often do we justify not speaking our truths for fear of hurting another's feelings? Often! If we man up we'll admit that we avoid doing this for fear of consequence; fear of disapproval or rejection. Right?

So much negativity is thrown at the word "no". Whenever we do say it why do we feel the need to justify it?

Oh and lets not forget that other fabulous habit that comes with the territory of lacking boundaries…taking every comment or situation personally…sigh... How often is this about the other person? How much of what they say or do is a reflection of their own issues, challenges or boundaries (or lack thereof) rather than mine?

Often I tell you… often and muchly!

And amazingly I’ve discovered just how often a person had no idea I felt a certain way. For example…my brother…loves and adores me, right… but I have always been the butt of his jokes. A.L.W.A.Y.S

In fact when he and my Dad get together it’s a real comedy fest! However they have now learned that this hurts me; that I don’t actually find it funny being continually thrown under the bus..never have. They now think twice before saying things. And if they forget and ‘go there’ my silence fills the gap that I would have normally jumped into with some jocular rebuttal; one upmanship. Okay to be honest my Dad's not handled the change in my behaviour that well so we have a lot of silent moments, but hey, that's his business to mind and not mine.

So when I said I didn’t mean to sound bitter, I really meant it.

It’s been a trip journeying back and redefining the lines. The fun is now deciding which crayons to use to colour in the gaps.

it all begins with an A

 “More powerful than all poetry,

  more pervasive than all science,

  more profound than all philosophy are the letters of the alphabet,

  26 pillars of strength upon which our culture rests.”

  Anonymous

There has been an abundance of challenges in the blog world; 30 days of this, 30 days of that. The one that that I caught the ..erm..tail end of was an A to Z challenge over here

I like the idea of committing to a discipline and I like the concept of this one as the alphabet theme leaves it open to interpretation and application. And yes it would be nice to be linked up with others who are doing the same thing to see what word they choose on any given day, but what the hell…there are hundreds to scroll back through over here

“Writing is a system of human communication that works through the use of visible signs. The beginnings of writing are inseparably connected to those of art,

and one must never treat them as separate entities.

All letters are signs, and all signs began as pictures.

The alphabet is the source.

When one considers the immense power of mans spirit,

it is amazing to think that it could not have developed without the alphabet.

How clearly we are heirs to this process…the links in a chain.”

Freidrich Nuegebauer

Ap-pre-hen-sion       - anticipation of adversity or misfortune; suspicion or fear of future trouble or evil.

This noun beginning with A was my theme-word for today.

Why? Well a little over a month ago when I was back in Cape Town for a short visit I decided to have a mammogram. Having had my first scan a year ago I had no feelings of trepidation arriving for this 8am appointment; I'd not previously endured that much joked about discomfort of having ones boobs slammed between a pair of frozen bookends. Sure it is uncomfortable for a brief moment, but really, all that fuss.

So I thought. Four hours, five scans and an ultrasound later I had changed my opinion. Although to be fair, the standard ~turn to the left, press, turn to the right, press, return to your cubicle and wait for your result~ procedure was quite bearable, as it had been before.

It was the waiting.

The cubicle.

The delay.

The not knowing what the delay was for.

Hearing your name being bandied about for a call back not once, twice or thrice, but four times.

FOUR!

By that time I was starting to snarl at the radiographer.

And still that was not enough.

I was instructed to return to the confines of my 90 x 90cm cubicle to wait until I was called for.

I requested a magazine refresh.
Eventually I am called to have my very first ultrasound.

The medical folk are all staring and the screen like they are watching their favourite soap... the bold and the boobiful perchance...

The nodding and the frowning is not calming my frazzled nerves.

So what now?

Now we need to remove the source of all our frowns.

And how does that work?

Well, we send you for another mamogram (another one??) this time with a needle (a needle???) so that some dye can be inected to mark the spot and then we find an available breast surgeon...

Whoa!! Surgeon? As in hospital, anesthetic, theatre?

Shit! This is now a Friday and I am supposed to be flying long haul on Monday... I try to explain through tears

Aah...much excitement...where are you going?
And that's when it hit me...HOME. As ghastly as this whole morning was turning out to be, it was in that watershed moment that I knew that the lovely little island that I had moved to a year before was indeed my new home.
And I couldn't wait to get the hell back here either!
Which I did... armed with all my scans and this morning was the morning that I started the procedure of having things attented to by the doctors here.
Ergo the apprehension...

"Apprehension, uncertaintly, waiting, fear of surprise, do a patient more harm than any exertion"

Florence Nightingale

Harm? Well if that's the case then I need to have a theme-word do-over!

"anticipation"

by Bianca van der Werf

An-tic-ipa-tion

1. the act of anticipating or the state of being anticipated.
2. realization in advance; foretaste.
3. expectation or hope.
4. previous notion; slight previous impression.
5. intuition, foreknowledge, or prescience.

That'll do. Especially number 3!